Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Restaurant review: REUNION TOWER, DALLAS TEXAS

One of the most recognizable and famous buildings in all of Dallas is the Reunion Tower, located in downtown Dallas. It actually is a revolving restaurant, the kind you see in tv and movies and think, are those things real? Well, yes, yes they are. This giant ball spins and you can see all of Dallas lit up at night while you dine on expensive food! The perfect spot for a fancy, romantic, memorable evening, right? WRONG. This place SUCKS and I'm going to share exactly why I think so.

As you might expect, a restaurant that rotates so you get a 360 degree view of a beautiful city would have a very high class expensive menu, and Reunion Tower is no exception. Shouldn't the food be wonderful for the price of it? You would think so but not here. I may be getting ahead of myself, let me start from the beginning.

I had reservations, as you know a classy restaurant takes reservations and it's part of the fun and experience. At the door, and by door I mean the bottom of the tower, we were stopped by a guard asking if we did in fact have reservations because if not, we could not start our ascent. This part was actually cool and I was able to say, why yes, yes I do have reservations! He just got done stopping a family from trying to go up to the top so right away I was pleased. Unfortunately this is where the good things ended for the evening.

Once you arrive at the top of the tower and get off the elevator I was surprised that my first reaction was to how loud the place was. It sounded like a sports bar or the inside of a restaurant kitchen, this surprised me because I was expecting a romantic quiet enchanting evening, not a club scene. Excuse me for being a romantic but nothing says NO romance like a sports bar. It was at this point when I spotted my first, (but not my last) person wearing jeans, which was a strict rule in their dress code, NO JEANS ALLOWED. Well, there were a ton of jeans up there and quite honestly, that pissed me off. Have some class. OR go to a sports bar where they love jeans and eat wings, I wanted a fancy classy romantic dinner and jeans have no place in that kind of setting.

The place was packed, not just with people, but tables and the entire area was very cramped and small, this also surprised me, I'm not sure why I expected more room but in my mind I did. I think the reason was simple, more people, more money, so let's cram as many people as we can get in at one time to make the most money off of them. Well that sucks for being romantic when people are very close to you and it's very loud because there are so many people. There is an actual bar area and people were standing there drinking and watching baseball on some big tv's. Again, this surprised me because I didn't expect a bar scene up there.

 We were led to our "table" I use the term loosely because it was the size of a chess board. Not only was it small but I kid you not, it wasn't even near a window......................right................not near a window............in a rotating tower made for the view, the table was not next to the window................seriously..............honestly, not near a freaking window people! First of all, what the hell??? Why would there be tables not next to a window in that place? I was actually kind of furious at this point because the mini table was facing a WALL, but don't worry folks, it was a glass wall so I did get a great view of the people eating in front of me! When I wanted to see the view I had to look beside me and right over the next table, (that one was right up against the window) and the poor people just had to deal with me looking right over their over priced dinner. Even had I been placed at a window table the view wasn't that great because there were so many lights inside that it caused major glare so I saw some of the city with myself looking back at me for most of the night. Now at this point I said to myself, wait just a damn minute.....I had a reservation and THIS is the table I get??? Please excuse my vulgarity but the Reunion Tower gets a big FUCK YOU for that one.

Now in comes the worst part of the night, the waiter, Vince. The biggest dickhead asshole waiter I have EVER had at any place including fast food places. He started out by bringing us the wrong wine, thanks Vince, you horse's ass, I'm sure he didn't care, after all wine is so cheap and all, why not pay for the wrong kinda. Next he brought us the menu, wait until you hear about this! We will come back to Vince as there is much more to say about this spineless prick later.

The menu attempted to be upscale and fancy and as we know rich people eat the worst tasting food. The menu wanted to be Asian cuisine as many of their specialties were Asian sounding but in the end it just all sucked. We both ordered the overpriced salmon. No where did it mention this dish being a spicy one, I know that for sure because I especially avoided spicy food as I can't stand it and it causes acid reflux in me. They brought out a complimentary tiny plate of asparagus covered in God knows what and it really sucked and made us honestly question if it was just left overs from some other guest's plate. The 40 dollar salmon came and it was about 4-5 inches long. 40 dollars......for that, I know. EACH, not for both, each tiny salmon dinners were 40 bucks but hey they came with a bowl of white rice, the most elegant of all rices I suppose??? Uncle Ben's rice to be exact, that is if I had to guess, it was that quality. I take one bite and I have to reach for the water as I start to gag with the amount of hot spice in my mouth. This salmon was COVERED in that stupid Japanese hot sauce shit, what's it called? Wasabe? I was pissed but thought the next bite would be better.....nope. I said, there is no way I can eat this, it's far too spicy for me. Not the waiter's fault, but for my taste it is just too spicy. Now, when I pay 40 dollars for a bite sized piece of salmon and it sucks ass, I expect to get treated like a king with apologies and offers of something else or the meal being free. Note, I would not have taken any of these offers but I did EXPECT them to be made. NOT A SINGLE FUCKING WORD FROM VICE THE FUCK FACE.

After a long time I hadn't had more than one bite, this was clearly obvious. I know what you're saying, why didn't you tell the waiter? Why didn't he ask when he came to check on us? Good questions you guys! Number one, Vice the dick NEVER CAME TO CHECK ON US ONE TIME. And two, at the end of the night if the person didn't eat their dinner at all, they shouldn't have to say anything to anyone about it, it should have been asked to them by the waiter because it's their job and it's the restaurant's job to please the customer. Now I'm starting to get mad because this isn't Denny's for crying out loud, it's the nicest place in Dallas!!! Where is the service??? Let me tell you where Vince was, after all I had a perfect view of this cockbag through my invisible wall.

Vince is walking around and I see him through my glass wall and I see him spot my plate of uneaten food and me sitting there looking pissed. He then ROLLS HIS EYES, stops in his tracks and turns around and walks the other way. I can only assume he has had this happen to him before because I just believe the food at Reunion Tower sucks. I see him talk to a fellow waiter and he actually POINTS AT ME, again, I know this because of my clear wall, and I see that guy look over. Soon it's time to clear the table, so now I know Vince will have to confront me and IF I was going to be nice, that went out the window. Low and behold, Vince himself does NOT come to clear the table, the other waiter he was talking to does, and this guy doesn't say one word about the uneaten food, he just takes the plate and leaves. I was like, WOW, really??? What a pussy Vince is but surely he has to return with the check right???

I'm waiting for Vince and then he walks by and just slaps down the check without me even seeing him because he did it behind my back!!! I was like, WHAT THE....WHERE DID THAT COME FROM....I paid for both dinners because that is how I am. They weren't worth 40 bucks each and the service wasn't worth a cent but I paid and placed the check right in front of me on the other side so he would have to take it in front of me. Vince quickly walked by and grabbed the check off the table without saying one word and without stopping, he just walked by and grabbed the bill in one smooth motion. What a dick head. Vice I hope you read this some day, you're a jerk.

 For those of you wondering I did give Vince a tip, the standard 15% on our bill. Overall the entire dinner bill was over 100 bucks. I spent 100 bucks to eat white rice. Not worth it in any way. The only cool thing of the night was a guy proposed to his girlfriend right in front of us, I mean I saw it because of my clear wall but that was pretty neat. Other than that, I think this place sucks but that is just my two cents......and 100 dollars.

Extra about Vince. Vince you're a jerk.....you're a jerk. Here I am, trying to have a nice romantic dinner, and you're a shitty waiter that isn't fit to work at Burger King. You're a jerk. Enjoy that big tip you prick, I hope you went home and said, Geez that was a nice classy guy because I didn't deserve any tip, let alone the full tip for a dinner that expensive. He didn't do his job, and what little of his job that he did try to do, he messed up. Without Vine the place still sucked but he just was the icing on the cake. A tip, I should have broken the tip of my shoe off in his ass.

Maybe I sound entitled, maybe I should uppity and rude for wanting to be treated like royalty but the truth is I don't act like that unless the situation allows for it. A place like that should treat you like a king because it's part of the experience, this isn't a sports bar or your local dive. If a place has a dress code and charges you triple digit prices....you should get treated like the most special guest they've ever had, every time you go, by any waiter, on any night, for any reason, period. Reunion Tower did none of these and in fact, did the opposite. I would return someday hoping that this night had only been a fluke, but I don't have high expectations, as I did the first time.

In the end, The Reunion Tower wrote a check their reputation couldn't cash.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

BUGS I DON'T KILL

There are some bugs I just refuse to kill. Most of these insects or arachnids have earned my respect and the right to live! Some of them are helpful or useful to mankind and therefore earned a free life pass from me. Others are just plain cool and I wouldn't kill them for that one reason. Honestly I have killed many of these bugs on my list, another reason why I have stopped the killing.

The Lady Bug. 

Look how cute this thing is, who wouldn't like a lady bug crawling around? With their unmistakeable red with black spots, the Lady Bug is a child favorite.
They aren't scary or harmful in anyway and they say they bring good luck. I remember once in college one landed on my pencil and crawled around my hands all class. I then got an A on the test and was it due to the luck of the lady bug?? I sure didn't study so you make your own conclusion! Either way, I won't kill lady bugs.


The Daddy Long Legs. 

Fitting name for such a long legged bug. There is no reason to kill a Daddy Long Legs is there? I can't see any harm to these gentle killers. Did you know that the Daddy Long Legs is the most poisonous of all spiders??? Their venom could easily take down a full grown human and still have enough kill power to do more damage, HOWEVER due to its tiny mouth, the Daddy Long Legs can't bite us, and so we remain safe! Once when I was 4 I remember my dad telling me if you kill a Daddy Long Legs it will make it rain. I didn't believe that cock and bull story and promptly stepped on one, later that day, it rained. It was years before I realized that was just a coincidence.....or was it??? Yes it was, but I still won't kill them.


The Honey Bee. 

Who likes honey? Not a diabetic? Well.....other than that, we all do! And we have the Honey Bee to thank for that sweet secretion that makes our tea ten times better! "But Andrew they sting people so I hate them." Oh ya? Well they die the instant they sting people so it's a fair trade off don't you think?? Besides, Honey Bees only sting if they are threatened and most stings come from misunderstanding, like stepping on a bee or when a bee hive falls on someones head. Honey Bees also spread pollen and without that we wouldn't have fruits for most vegetables, so think about THAT next time you're enjoying some water mellon or carving up a jack-o-lantern, that was a bee's doing. Honey Bees are the only insect that dances as a way of communicating and how can you not be impressed by that?
If you don't mess with them, they won't mess with you and because of that, I won't kill them.

The Praying Mantis. 

Coolest bug on earth??? Find me a better one. How cool are these guys? They are just awesome, they look like aliens and monsters and robots all rolled into one. Also just the word "mantis" sounds awesome. I had one in my apartment once in college. I caught him and put him on the house plant to live, and once I helped him catch a horse fly. They are so unique looking, even for an insect. Here's a crazy fact for you, in this state they are protected and killing one is illegal! So I guess my no kill policy is trumped no matter what, but then again think about it, what other bug does the state have people step forward and say, "don't kill this." I have never killed a praying mantis and I never will.

Spiders.

I know it sounds crazy that a guy doesn't skill spiders, trust me, I'm asked all the time to kill them. But I really like them and I see absolutely no reason to do so. They say if there were no spiders we would be over run with gnats and flies. Well I hate both of those stupid bugs so I say, more spiders! I'm also not afraid of them, owning a tarantula named Webster. It's annoying when people say, "I hate spiders." No, you're afraid of them, big difference, what you hate is your own pathetic child-like fear. Sure there are spiders that can and do kill people but dogs kill people too and you never hear someone calling for their husband to come and step on a chihuahua. I sure don't want to be bit by a spider, many have venom that could kill you, but so many more don't. My tarantula is a very shy, timid, gentle creature and people would know that if they just took the time to get to them. Spider webs can be some of the most beautiful things in nature and its amazing how they make and use them. Like them or not, spiders do a lot for us and for that reason, I'll do them a favor and not kill them. This picture is of a pink toe tarantula, just like mine!


Wooly Caterpillars. 

Also known as wooly bears, these moth caterpillars supposedly tell the weather. Not too many bugs can tell the future but there are people that swear by this belief. I don't think it's true myself, but they were a childhood favorite of mine, always easily caught and shy, they would roll up in your hand, unrolling themselves later to walk across your fingers. They were soft and fuzzy and very recognizable in their red and fastidious black. I have always liked these guys and in the early fall time when they are crossing the road I intentionally try to miss them and will swerve out of the way. Think that's going too far? There is a place that holds a wooly bear festival every fall to celebrate these little guys.....that may be going too far. I see no reason to kill them. 

Lightning Bugs. 

Or fire flies, have butts that light up, how cool is that? As a child I used to spend many summer nights murdering these bugs for no reason, as many kids did. I also caught them in jars. Our back yard always had lightening bugs flying around during the summer nights. Now that I'm older I have come to appreciate the skill that must come with lighting up an entire part of your body. It's very impressive. Did you know that the glow worm is the larvae of the lightning bug? They are harmless but I've killed so many in my lifetime that now, I won't kill a single one. What would summer be for a child without lightning bugs? 

Butterflies. 

First known as "flutter bys," which makes a million times for sense, are on the list of bugs I won't kill. Give me one good reason why anyone should kill a butterfly? There are none. They are peaceful, graceful, delicate, flower suckers and really neat to watch if you ever get the chance. They also do some pretty amazing things, such as migrating 1,000's of miles. I remember my dad hit a butterfly with his car's radio antennae on the way to Pittsburgh, this butterfly was wrapped around the antennae for 2 hours and when we stopped in Pittsburgh, it actually got off and flew away. The butterfly has definitely earned a spot in my no kill zone. And I ask you, what would old women get tattoos of if we had no butterflies?? 




Well there you have it, the list of bugs and the reasons why I just don't kill them. Every once in a while I'll add another bug to the list but as for now, the rest will get smashed and squashed and killed without the slightest hesitation. What bugs are on that list? Ants, wasps, moths, gypsy moths, gnats, and mosquitos just to name a few. 

Friday, July 26, 2013

HOW DID RICHIE RICH DIE AND BECOME CASPER???





So when you look at Richie Rich and Casper side by side it's pretty obvious that Casper is in fact, the ghost of Richie Rich. 














So the question now is....how did he die??? Richie Rich was known as the richest boy in the world and Casper was known as the friendly ghost (a rip off of another friendly ghost but that's another blog) but what caused Richie Rich's death? An accident, a rare childhood disease, suicide, murder??? The mystery has been surrounded by secrets for years UNTIL NOW when I shall uncover the mysterious death of beloved Richie. 

There are few clues out there about the death of Richie Rich for me to find when I searched HOWEVER you'd be shocked and horrified at what I could come up with when I had to. Here are a few nightmare scenarios for you to think about. Each one a very probably cause of death for our poor richest kid in America. 


Scenario 1. SUICIDE

Was it possible that Richie Rich was so depressed that he would take his OWN LIFE? This reporter thinks so. I know, I know, if you had all the money in the world wouldn't you be so happy that killing yourself would NEVER enter your mind? Maybe, but consider the fact that if you have everything, what do you have to look forward to or live for? Richie may have been so lonely and bored with all of his things that he started to glamorize death. This picture proves that the only joy Richie got out of life was reading morbid literature and fantasizing about death and the after life. Note the amount of money Richie had, so much he just SAT on it like a freakin chair because he had so much of it he didn't know what else to do. Yes, killing himself would make a lot of sense, BUT there is more than one way to kill a child. 

                                                 

Scenario 2.  FATAL ROBOT ACCIDENT.

Richie Rich was so rich (how rich was he!?) He was so rich that he actually had robotic engineering decades before it became public practice to get dressed by a robot. Surely the robotics of the previous century weren't as good as they are today. Perhaps one day there was a terrible accident and the robotic hands that once dressed this little boy tore him limb from limb or at the very least, strangled him to death. We see here in this file photo that the tie is getting tied awfully tight around his plump little neck. Yet, there are many ways to die accidentally and when you live the life of a super billionaire, you're bound to be involved in some risk taking behaviors. 

Scenario 3.  SHARK ATTACK. 

A favorite past time of any rich person is taking costly vacations to tropical destinations, PERHAPS one such vacation turned out to be VERY costly for Richie Rich indeed! Richie Rich always had dumb ideas and indulged in them. Being dragged along in the middle of the ocean by a cruise ship can only be classified as a bad idea, but Richie wouldn't see it this way. I can only assume that the bright gold color of his dingy produced massive amounts of sharks and Richie Rich ended up being shark bait. I saw Jaws, it doesn't take much to get eaten by a shark. 

Scenario 4. FREEZES TO DEATH IN ALASKA. 

Keeping up with the expensive vacation idea, Richie Rich frequents Alaska as one of his favorite hot spots, which in fact turns out is not hot at all but in reality, pretty damn cold. Richie Rich, being a diva must tan on the hour every hour, even in sub zero temperatures. Despite all the warnings from his eskimo tour guide, he attempts to soak up some rays from the midnight sun, and in a matter of seconds, freezes to death. On the verge of death himself, the eskimo tour guide has no choice but to feed Richie's frozen carcass to his sled dog team in order to survive. (There was no scientific evidence to suggest this last part of the scenario but you have to admit it sounds pretty likely.) 

Scenario 5. SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE 

Richie certainly would have had many young girls after him. Knowing he could never find anyone that truly loves him for who he is and NOT just for his money, he becomes a man-whore. Richie sleeps with every girl he meets and many high-class hookers. Eventually this lifestyle catches up with him and he gets a case of full blown aids. All the money can't save him from this disease and Richie ends up dying a slow painful death. Keep in mind Richie lived over 60 years ago although his Casper ghost still roams the earth to this day some say, back then they didn't have the same kind of medicine that we do now. 

Scenario 6. STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND 

We now have evidence that support reasons to believe Richie Rich's ship went down off the coast of Costa Rica. With very little survival skills, hell he can't even dress himself without a robot, Richie and his family would have lasted for mere days before thirst and hunger drove them to insanity, far too weak to even act on their crazy urges, Richie Rich and his family would have perished on the beach. And their bones will bleach in the sun. 


Scenario 7.  MURDER 

By the butler, in the kitchen, with the poison sandwich! How would you like to be a slave to the world's biggest spoiled brat? Ask Cadbury, Richie's faithful servant and personal bitch. After years of watching Richie blow his money on stupid things after being paid peanuts by cheap parents, Cadbury decided he couldn't take anymore of it. He was sick and tired of the monetary puns that Richie would use on a daily basis and one day he snapped! So trusted was the butler that he easily slipped rat poison into Richie's daily "sandrich" and watched as he ate his own doom. Most people would kill for the money but Cadbury did it for the cheap thrill of it, (excuse the Richie-esque pun there.) He also got away with it!   
       
                                                                                              

Scenario 8. DRUG OVERDOSE 

Many famous people die of drug overdoses. Could Richie Rich be in this category?? Fact number one, Richie Rich had a thing for the ladies and would get them at any cost (not a pun that time.) Fact number two, for a kid that rich steroids and human growth hormones would have been readily available. Fact number three, Richie clearly had an addictive personality. Fact number four, Richie's favorite thing was showing off, and what better way to show off to prepubescent girls than having huge muscles before any other boy his age? Just look at the chest on this kid, genetics can only do so much for you, this is a body of someone that has been juicing. Richie could have easily become obsessed with using steroids and ended up overdosing on them. 
                                                                             

Scenario 9. HUSTLED THE WRONG GUY 

Richie could do anything he wanted right? Let's just say he stayed home playing on his pool table all day while his friends were in school. He would actually get pretty good. So let's say for the sake of argument that Richie, out of sheer boredom, went from pool hall to pool hall hustling people. No one would suspect a child to be a pool hustler and even less would suspect the amount of money he could put down on a game. Each night Richie suckered some idiot into playing pool with him only to screw them over by beating them and taking their money. One night Richie ended up hustling the wrong person and found himself dead. How likely is this scenario? VERY. 

                                                                            

Scenario 10.  DIED OF OLD AGE

No hold on a second! No way he could have died of old age, he is just a boy! ......or was he? What if Richie Rich used his billions of dollars to keep himself looking and feeling young? What if he was much older than his appearance led on? What if he had that disease Gary Coleman had that made him look like a kid but he was actually an adult? There is a good chance Richie was really Richard Rich and he was an old man the whole time. What if he just died of old age? On a likely scale of 1 to 10, this scenario would be a 10. 

                                                                      

Scenario 11. GETTING HIS HEAD RIPPED OFF BY IRON MAN

Hey, it could happen to anyone. 

                                                                       

Well there you have it, some pretty compelling evidence no? Did I prove that Richie Rich and Casper are one in the same? Absolutely. Did I solve the mystery surrounding Richie's death? Not even close. But what I did do was raise some very interesting questions. Sure there are far more than just 11 ways to die and I did show what scientists would call "overwhelming definitive proof." But I'm not willing to agree with them just yet, because in my eyes this mystery remains unsolved. Is Richie Rich dead? Certainly. Is Casper his ghost? Again the answer is certainly. How he died though remains a secret even to me, the world may never know. I will leave you with one more resounding question, if Casper has not been seen in quite some time is it possible, NAY PROBABLE, that he is now in hell? I think again, I answered my own question with this last bit of evidence. 


                                          









Sunday, July 14, 2013

CARLISLE CAR SHOW, THE CHRYSLER NATIONALS


My weekend at the Chrysler Nationals was very eventful. I met a lot of great people, I saw a lot of great cars, I had a lot of fun, but most importantly my Challenger got to do what it loves most of all, sitting there getting attention.   Click on any pic to enlarge it. 

The Chrysler Nationals at Carlisle PA is one of the biggest car shows around and when it comes to MOPAR, some say it's the biggest in the country. People came from all over to go be in this show. I saw license plates from PA, New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Michigan, Illinois, Virginia, West Virginia, Rhode Island, Kentucky, Alabama, Minnesota, Maryland, Florida, Ohio, and Ontario Canada! I'm sure there were more, but those are the ones I actually remember seeing. There is so much to do and see there that one day just doesn't cut it, that's why I was there for all three days. I had my Dodge Challenger in the show so many people got to see it and they would stop and talk to you, again I met some very nice people. There are 110 Dodge Challengers in this picture, let alone the others you can't see, plus the others spread out of the other parts of the show AND not to mention that this was taken on Friday and on Saturday there were even MORE. The grass you can see and where that dude is standing was full of cars. Can you spot mine? Good luck. 

One person I met was Sonny Shroyer HIMSELF! You all will remember Sonny as Enos Strate from The Dukes of Hazzard. I've been watching that show since I can remember, and I got to tell Mr. Shroyer himself that fact. I also invited him back to my Challenger because I tried to lure him there so I could get a picture of him in my Challenger but he was too smart for me and made up some excuse of why he would just come by later! haha, he never showed up. BUT I got his autograph plus an amazing memory that will last me a life time. 

Where else can you see several General Lees in one spot?? Not too many places and a view like this is almost impossible in day to day life, but not at the Chrysler Nationals! Here it was like being in Hazzard county and I have the mullet pictures to back that up. 

Showing my Challenger was really fun. I didn't have to win a trophy. When I saw a family come up to my car, and their young boys lined up in front of my car to have their pictures taken while giving the thumbs up accompanied by huge smiles, well I knew awards didn't matter then. I'd like to point out to the winners that THOSE KIDS chose MY CAR out of over 100 cars to take their pictures in front not one of the "winners" of the show, so you know what?? I'm the real winner aren't I? Also check out this picture, which car is this random guy taking a picture of??? Mine. I'm allowed to be partial. 

The burn out competition was really cool to watch. I just happen to have the winner right here doing his winning burn out. Believe it or not, this is his daughter's car. 

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There was Dyno testing if you wanted to test your car. This guy was testing out his horse power, but something tells me he already knew exactly what he was making...I just think he wanted everyone else to know too! 
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Notice the HIS and HER license plates. These cars are owned by a very nice Canadian couple. They actually both bought the same car and then were annoyed when they kept running into each other at car shows. Eventually they got to know each other and like each other and one day fell in love. They are now married and travel from car show to car show! They were very nice people and coming from Ontario had a very long drive. When I asked whose car had more HorsePower the wife quickly responded with ME, I DO! 























New Challengers weren't the only thing Carlisle had to offer though. As you can see there was a huge assortment of everything MOPAR, including Jeeps. Check out this 1973 Dodge Charger, who on earth would buy a Charger that color??? Well this guy and me apparently! 



Look who is crowning the Daisy Duke contest winner! Who else would know Daisy better than Enos himself??? No matter who won this contest, they can still consider it second place because Catherine Bach will always be number one.

Yes, that says 528 Hemi. It was in a 1968 Dodge Charger. 


Although it did rain and we had some very dark clouds it was still a wonderful weekend. If you're a die hard Mopar fan you HAVE to get to Carlisle, you won't be disappointed. I had a great time and I will be back next year. I only hope to some day drive through those gates in my 1974 Dodge Charger. Until then, I'll keep coming back with my Challenger. 



Friday, June 28, 2013

HANSEL AND GRETEL retold by Andrew Lucas

The classic Grimm Fairy Tale needs to be retold by me, the way I see it. Why? I just feel like it. I've always liked this story but I'm going to put my own spin on it, so enjoy!

Once upon a time, in the mid 1800's, there lived a poor woodcutter. A great and annoying famine had struck the land. The poor woodcutter's family was very hungry and starving to death as the woodcutter had not yet figured out how to eat the wood he cut every day. The woodcutter had two children from a previous marriage, Hansel and Gretel. He wanted to pick out names that no one else would have heard of, and he sure did. Married to the woodcutter was his new wife, not the mother of Hansel and Gretel. She was a fat ugly old thing, unkempt and husky. As a step-mother she naturally hated his children and as all step-parents do, she dreamed of killing them.

"Dear Husband, why don't we just kill off your two children so we have more to eat??" said the bitch, kinda half joking but not really just to get a reaction from her husband to see what he would say. "What the hell, are you serious??? I won't kill my children! I wouldn't even dream of it! What kind of sick, twisted, monster are you anyway? Is this time period still ok to beat your wife, cause it's about time I...." the woodcutter was interrupted by his wife. "Ok, ok, I was only kidding! I would never KILL your children, or at any rate I certainly wouldn't lead them into the woods and leave them for dead!" The woodcutter, although suspicious, left for several days to go begging for food in the next town over. Once out of sight his jerk of a wife put her plan into action!

"Oh children! Come with me deep into the woods where I most likely will NOT leave you for dead so your father and I can have more to eat because we are both greedy and don't like you. Come along!" And with that the evil step-mother laughed one of those evil laughs that was a clear indication she had just been lying. Hansel and Gretel felt something was up, mainly because they heard the conversation between their father and their step-mother. "Don't worry Gretel, I have an idea," said Hansel as he had always had a fear of being stranded in the woods, it probably stemmed from being the son of a woodcutter, or perhaps it was because their biological mother had gone into the woods and never returned, either way Hansel's biggest fear was to be stuck in the middle of the woods. Their step-mother promised them yummy wild berries but only if they followed her into the black forest to find them. "Now that we are deep into the woods and I've been making circles to disorient you, I will look for wild berries over there and you look here!" said the step-mother, as she got ready to run away. After a few hours no berries were found and it was beginning to get dark. "Hansel what are we going to do? Step-mother left us out here in the woods all alone, and its getting cold, and its getting dark, and there are probably wolves wherever it is we are from, I think Germany. Not only that, but I'm starting to think we won't get any of those wild berries." Soon the moon was out and Hansel was not worried. "Look Gretel! I took as many white stones and I could shove into my pockets and left a trail leading back to our house! Now the moonlight shows us the way home!" And with that the children skipped merrily home.

Inside the cottage, the wicked step-mother was cooking up a big one person meal for herself and was measuring the children's room so she could make it into a sewing room before her husband, the woodcutter, turned it into a man-cave. "Oh step-mother, we're home! Did you miss us? What's for dinner?!" Exclaimed the smug children as they burst through the door, shocking and startling their step-mother. "WHAT IN THE HELLLLLLLO kids.....I.....I can't believe you're alive, I MEAN, I'm so glad you found your way home....some how." Said their step-mother. Secretly, their step-mother was not glad they found their way home, just the opposite, she was pretty pissed off. The next day she decided to go looking for more wild berries, or whatever it is she said to fool the kids. Hansel began to get more rocks when his step-mother noticed him. "Hansel, you put that shit down! We aren't collecting rocks, we can't EAT rocks you idiot!! Wait...can we? NO, WE CAN'T!" Terrified Hansel knew without a trail to take them home, they were doomed. Doomed the same way their father's stand up comedy routine was doomed from the start with his, "You might be a woodcutter if..." jokes, appealing and humorous to only a select few. Luckily Gretel had stolen a loaf of bread before they left and made a trail of bread crumbs for them to follow home. Their step-mother took them much further this time, she wanted to be sure they wouldn't return.

Deep into the woods the ass of a step-mother left the kids in the middle of nowhere, she wasn't even hot, I don't know what the father saw in her, probably a fear of dying alone. The forest was a veritable hell for Hansel and Gretel, and to make matters worse, the last thing she said before she left them was, "Welp, I'm gonna get you stranded now, see ya!" Alone now, the siblings sat together. "Don't worry Hansel, I have been leaving a trail of bread crumbs for us to follow home! I understand we're in a famine here and starving to death and all that but I thought, oh well, I'll drop our food on the ground anyway," explained Gretel proudly. "That's a great idea sister!" Shouted the excited Hansel, ready to return home and be all smug again to his step-mother. "Now as long as nothing in the forest eats bread crumbs, we should be on our way home!" However, unknowingly to the children birds love bread, they eat it all the time, especially ducks and pigeons. Birds in Germany are no different and the kids soon realized their trail could not be followed unless they wanted to take a trip through the gizzard of a flock of birds. "Well shit." said Hansel when they saw the birds eating their only way home. "I guess we just walk until we find our way home? Or until we starve to death, whatever comes first."

Hansel and Gretel walked for what seemed to be hours, but kids are lazy and they probably only went about a mile, which is long if you have little legs, but not that far of a distance if you were in a car or on a horse or something like that. Soon a smell began to fill the air, Gretel was sure it was ginger bread she was smelling and Hansel was sure she had lost her mind. Then in a clearing the two spotted a house, not just any ordinary house, no, this one was made of wonderful things to eat! The walls were ginger bread, it was held together with frosting and icing, there were candy cane posts and load bearing lollipop I beams. Hansel and Gretel about shit a brick when the saw the house and ran towards it. "How strange is this? I just got done saying, I'm so hungry, I could eat a house, didn't I Hansel?!" "No one appears to be home Gretel," guessed Hansel, not really taking the time to actually look around. "What good is a house if you can't eat it mom always used to say!" "No she didn't....she never said anything like that, she said, what good is a house if you can't pee in it. Because indoor plumbing hasn't been invented yet." The two argued for a bit longer until their growling stomachs told them to both shut up. "I suppose we can have just a small bite, just so we don't starve to death." reasoned Hansel. "I agree, no one will notice one shingle missing," justified Gretel. The two began to nibble parts of the house and found it so irresistibly delicious that they dove in head first eating it much in the way that Jaws ate that boat in the movie Jaws at the end...............spoiler alert for Jaws.

Suddenly the sponge cake door flew open and an old woman stepped out onto the peppermint patio and yelled, "What the hell do you think you're doing to my house???" She of course knew that it was being eaten, she wasn't asking as much as she was just using an expression. Hansel and Gretel felt bad but if eating a house was wrong, they didn't want to be right. Hansel and Gretel told the story about being lost in the woods and being so hungry they just had to have a quick bite of her home. "You poor children, please come into my Cake Cod style home and I'll make you something for dinner." The two unwittingly followed the nice old woman inside.

Turns out she wasn't a nice old woman, she was a mean old witch. Once inside she threw Hansel into a cage. It was one of those dog cages but she hung hers from the ceiling. It wasn't a big deal, people leave their dogs in those cages all day and you wouldn't say anything about it but now that it's a human child in there you have a problem with it? Don't be a hypocrite. Now the witch was blind and forced Gretel to be her slave as she fattened Hansel up to eat him. That's what witches do, they eat children. Oddly enough, the witch had plenty of good food to feed Hansel for fattening him up, but she didn't eat it herself, she just wanted to eat him. Each day Gretel cleaned the witches house and it was a non stop battle against the ants because when you live in a house made entirely out of sugar, you're gonna have ant problems. Gretel would scrub the chocolate wall paper and wipe down the licorice or sweep the gum drop floors. Hansel didn't mind being fattened up, he figured, if he was going to die, at least he was going to get some good food out of it. Horrifyingly in the same cage as Hansel were some human bones, probably from a former "guest" of the witch. Every day the witch would feel Hansel to see how fat he was getting, Hansel, being the clever boy he was, stuck the bone out for the witch to feel. "How the hell? Your finger is so boney! Why couldn't you have been one of those fat little American children and I wouldn't have had to feed you so much! I should just move there. I'm sure they like German people, we never did anything to them." The blind old witch continued to feed Hansel and he continued to eat and share with his sister Gretel.

Hansel and Gretel knew they had to escape the clutches of the evil witch. Living in a cage and being a slave isn't as glamorous as it sounds and the two knew death was quickly approaching. "First the evil step-mother and now an evil witch, I'm not sure which witch is which and which witch we were better off with!" Confusingly said Gretel. "I'm sorry Gretel, I'm all out of plans, my bone finger trick is buying us some time and if lasts as long as I hope, we will simply out live with witch, she is going to have to die of old age sooner or later. I mean, it's a race she can't win, she has a good 60 years on us at least."

Hansel's bone trick worked for a long time before the evil, blind, stupid, ugly, smelly, bald, old witch caught on. "Trick me with a bone will you? I'll still cook you in my oven and your sister too, I don't care about either of you! In coincidentally, Gretel, will you get very close to my oven and see if the temperature is ready??" Gretel had a feeling the witch was going to shove her into the oven the moment she got close, so Gretel acted like she had no idea what the witch wanted her to do. The witch explained it over and over again but just assumed Gretel was a moron, so she finally started to act out what she wanted Gretel to do. "Open the oven door, LIKE THIS, ok? See that? Now take a few steps, LIKE THIS and get closer, now stand very close, JUST LIKE I AM HERE, now look inside, WITH YOUR HEAD LIKE I'M DOING, WATCH ME. You really need to pay attention now because I swear I'm not doing this again!" With that Gretel pushed the old woman into the oven and slammed the door shut. Burning the witch to death instantly. The curse on the house was lifted and all the wonderful delicious food turned back into wood and bricks. Gretel laughed and said, "Would you like your sand WITCH toasted??" Hansel laugh and added, "Don't worry you old hag, I'm sure Hell won't be as hot as that oven!"

Hansel and Gretel left and miraculously found their way home. Their father welcomed them crying and hugging them saying their step-mother had told several different stories of why they weren't living there anymore. When Hansel and Gretel asked where their step-mother was, their father told them she had died by repeatedly falling onto his ax with her head. "I wondered where you two have been all this time, which reminds me...If you know where all your axes are, but not where your children are....you might be a woodcutter." Hansel and Gretel looked at each other and then said, "Please stop father, we have been through enough already." And the three lived happily ever after. The End.


Friday, June 21, 2013

MY DODGE CHALLENGER VIDEO

I put together this little video from all the pictures I've taken so far of my car! I added music otherwise it would be pretty boring and I didn't know what to put, so I just in a few of my own songs, enjoy!

video

Friday, May 24, 2013

80's CHILD TEST

I took a test from people that grew up in the 50's and would have liked to try one from the 80's so I just figured I'd make my own since that is when I was born, these are things from the 80's into the 90's that I lived through, the younger you are the harder this will be. Here is my 1980's Child Test, see how many you can get! Answers at the bottom.

1. Ronald Regan asked Mr. Who to "tear down this wall?"
A. Mr. Bush
B. Mr. Clinton
C. Mr. Gorbachev
D. Mr. Putin
E. Mr. Peanut
F. Mr. Thatcher
G. Mr. Dole

2. They're the world's most fearsome fighting team....
A. Power Rangers
B. Thundercats
C. He-Man
D. My Little Pony
E. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
F. Smurfs
G. Transformers

3. More than meets the eye toys
A. G.I. Joe.
B. Transformers
C. Thundercats
D. Legos
E. Nintendo
F. Tonka
G. Atari

4. Scrooge McDuck's personal money bin protector super hero.
A. Launchpad McQuack
B. Gyro screwloose
C. Huey, Dewy, Louie
D. Darkwing Duck
E. Gizmo Duck
F. Bubba
G. Ma Beagle

5. Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
A. Mum-Ra the Ever Living
B. Destro
C. Shredder
D. The Joker
E. Mikael Gorbachev
F. J.R. Ewing
G. Star Scream

6. After "Coach" dies, Sam Malone hires who to replace him?
A. Woody
B. Freddy
C. Frasier
D. Norm
E. Bull
F. Charlie
G. Eddie

7. Who were the ORIGINAL 2 bailiffs on Night Court?
A. Bull and Ross
B. Bull and Flo
C. Bull and Selma
D. Selma and Flo
E. Ross and Selma
F. Ross and Flo
G. Dan and Christine

8. The original party animal.
A. Bugs Bunny
B. Honey Nut Cherrio's Bee
C. Quick Rabbit
D. Roger Rabbit
E. Spuds Mckenzie
F. Porky Pig
G. Alvin

9. Giant Golf Ball looking structure.
A. Disney World
B. Disney Land
C. Six Flags
D. Epcot Center
E. Sea World
F. Blands Park
G. San Diego Zoo

10. "If do right, no can defense"
A. Camel Clutch
B. Figure 4
C. Leg Drop
D. Crane Kick
E. Rock Bottom
F. Sweet Chin Music
G. Care Bear Stare

11. Just for the thrill of it, just for the fun of it, just for the taste of it....
A. Diet Pepsi
B. Diet Coke
C. Coke
D. Pepsi
E. Dr. Pepper
F. Mountain Dew
G. 7 UP

12. "The Great One"
A. Hulk Hogan
B. Michael Jordan
C. Mario Lemieux
D. Wayne Gretzky
E. Barry Bonds
F. Larry Bird
G. Andre the Giant

13. If you got the time, we got the beer.
A. Bud Light
B. Miller
C. Budweiser
D. Rolling Rock
E. Dos Equis
F. Sam Adams
G. Coors

14. "Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said, BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL, I HAVE THE POWER! Cringer became the mighty Battle Cat and I became...."
A. Lion-o
B. Optimus Prime
C. Bravestar
D. Gizmo Duck
E. Superman
F. Mighty Mouse
G. He-Man

 15. "Jaga the wise," "Lion-o the Lord of the Thundercats," "Tigra the invisible," "Cheetara the quick," "Panthro the Deadly," "Wiley Cat and Wiley Kit the cunning junior duo," all get their power from what?
A. The Eye of Thundara
B. The Thunder Tank
C. Planet Thundara
D. The Cat's Lair
E. The Chain of Omens
F. The Sword of Omens
G. The Book of Omens

16. Michael Jackson revealed his "Moonwalk" to the world during a live performance of which song?
A. Thriller
B. Beat it
C. Billie Jean
D. Dangerous
E. Black or White
F. Smooth Criminal
G. I Want You Back

17. Hill Street Blues took place in which city?
A. Pittsburgh
B. Chicago
C. L.A.
D. New York
E. Miami
F. Dallas
G. They never actually say

18. Made it to 4 Super Bowls in a row and lost them all.
A. Pittsburgh Steelers
B. Dallas Cowboys
C. San Francisco 49ers
D. Miami Dolphins
E. New York Giants
F. L.A. Raiders
G. Buffalo Bills

19. Rubik's Cube stated it had over how many combinations but only one solution.
A. A thousand
B. 3 billion
C. A million
D. 100's upon 100's
E. a Billion
F. A hundred
G. A ton

20. Which Ghost followed Pac-man instead of staying on a set pattern?
A. Blinky
B. Inky
C. Pinky
D. Clyde
E. None
F. All of them do
G. only applies to Ms. Pac-man game




Answers: 1.C  2.E  3.B  4.E  5.D  6.A  7.C  8.E  9.D  10.D  11.B  12.D  13.B  14.G  15.A  16.C  17.G  18.G  19.B  20.A
How did you do? Feel free to leave your score as a comment!

Friday, April 26, 2013

HAIR SHEEP LAMBS

We got some lambs today, that's a sheep under a year old. They are both male and are known as hair sheep because unlike the sheep you think about when you hear the word sheep, these guys don't have any wool. They really look like goats if you ask me, considering the short hair and horns but they are 100% sheep! I asked the black sheep if he had any wool, instead of saying yes sir, yes sir, three bags full, he said no.
 
Once they found their hay they settled right in and started to eat. Soon they will be enjoying grass in the field!
 


 

SPRING TIME CHARGER

Look who woke up after a long winters hibernation! My 1974 Charger, ready for another year of restoration. I have big plans for the car this year and honestly thought I would have been much further along by the end of last year.

 Charger was in much need of a good spring cleaning, which he got. Started right up on the first try too after lying dormant for many cold Pennsylvania winter months. Roaring to life, I drove up and down the driveway until I was pretty sure I could take it for an actual drive. This was risky for several reasons, one being I have no idea how much gas is in the tank since the gas gauge isn't working (on the list of things to be fixed this year btw) and two it hadn't been driven in months, meaning I could stall out in the middle of a drive. I didn't care and threw cation to the wind, yet again, and took off down the road. Doing about half mile trips and turning around, I warmed up the Charger on a cool spring day.

video
 I even decided to get some driving shots. Here are two short clips of the Charger with its favorite driver, me.
 
video

So here is what's on the list for this year HOPEFULLY. I know the list doesn't seem long, but added all together that's a ton of time and money. I won't be making the Chrysler Nationals this year with my Charger, as it won't be ready by then, but you can bet on it that I'll be there anyway.
  • Bodywork/Paint job #1 priority
  • install new grille
  • New rear air shocks
  • 4 new wheels/tires
  • new headliner
  • new carpet
  • new dash pad
  • new headers
  • new exhaust dual system
  • chrome air cleaner/valve covers
  • fix gas gauge