Thursday, December 24, 2015

MY TOP 10 WORST CHRISTMAS SONGS I HATE THE MOST


Every year during the busy Christmas season, we are bombarded with Christmas songs. That's a great thing because it really gets me in the holiday mood. Festive songs give me a lot of Christmas cheer. However, there are also a few songs in there that I just hate with a passion and I can't stand when they come on the radio or are being played in a store. It happens often because some of these songs are other  peoples favorites! Keep in mind, these are just my opinions and almost nobody shares them with me. This list is my absolute WORST top 10 songs you'll hear this Christmas.




#10. Frank Sinatra - Mistletoe and Holly

You probably don't know this one, so consider yourself lucky. Frank Sinatra tried to make a cute little song that would become a holiday classic, instead he made a stupid song nobody liked. Oddly enough, I still hear it a few times on the radio. The thing that bugs me the most is he says people eat "tasty pheasants,"....since when Frank? You moron, you just wanted something to rhyme with presents! People eat turkey, or ham or even saying something about a Christmas goose would be Dickenish, but pheasants? You're a jerk Frank Sinatra and this song was a poor attempt at another big hit. Oh it was a hit alright, a hit and a miss. 



#9. Faith Hill - Where Are You Christmas

Shut up Faith Hill, no one cares. Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you? Why should I give a shit? This was a stupid song from a stupid movie (I actually really enjoyed the live action Grinch movie) but the song was CLEARLY a way to make a single for money. It doesn't make any sense outside of the context of the movie. It was kinda dumb in the movie as well. Either way, Faith Hill sings this song as if she cares about it, all dramatic and serious and I just want to say to her, "Hey..........shut up." So shut up Faith Hill, your song sucks! 

#8. Anyone - Baby It's Cold Outside

Hey, I like that friendly drunk as much as the next guy, but I really hate songs that have singing going on at the same time by two different people singing two different things. This song is the epitome of that. STOP SINGING DIFFERENT THINGS AT THE SAME TIME! I can't tell what this is about other than the dude wants in the girls holly jolly pants and won't let her leave. Hmmm, sounds familiar to me....oh wait, it is just a rip off of the other better Christmas song, "Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow." This song has been done by anyone who thinks they can sing and baby, it's getting old outside


#7. Bruce Springsteen - Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, Live Version

Great song but butchered by this guy. He doesn't sing the correct lyrics, and he doesn't follow the correct tune we all know and love. Also, is it just me or was this guy drunk when he sang this song?? You can actually HEAR the sweat coming out of his face as he sings this. Then he starts laughing at one point, that's not professional. A horrible version and I hear it all the time in December. It isn't near the worst thing out there though. 


#6. Wham, or whoever else sings this crap - Last Christmas

First of all, about Last Christmas, it isn't even a Christmas song at all. I'm going to point that out right away. It is about something that happened AT Christmas and has NOTHING to do with the actual holiday. It is also a very negative song about a cry baby that clearly had no clue what they were doing and "gave their heart" to someone for Christmas that the VERY NEXT DAY, gave it away. Let me translate this for you, "YOU had SEX with YOU, and then you thought you were in love, but the other person was just drunk at a Christmas party and used you...get over it, you were the stupid one." Then I always laugh that they wait AN ENTIRE YEAR to throw it in that person's face by saying they'll give their heart to someone special. Oh yes, you're clearly over that person if you've waited 365 days just to say this to that person, write a song about it, and act like you don't care. YOU CARE! You're just a loser. Not a Christmas song Wham. Not a Christmas song just because it has the word Christmas in it. 

Wow, I got through that without making a gay joke about George Michaels getting a package stuffed in something other than his stocking. Self-restraint or Christmas miracle? Either way, I'm proud of myself. 


#5. Andy Williams - Happy Holidays 

This is such a confusing song. It really sounds like two different dumb songs were spliced together to make one horrible pile of crap. At first when he is singing about happy holidays, it's like, ya, I can like this song, it's pretty good. But then he goes into the rest of the song and the tune changes and he tries to be...I don't know what, cute or something? Here are all the things wrong with this song. YOU CAN'T HANG A PEPPERMINT STICK ON A TREE DUMBASS. I'm sure he means a candy cane, but he doesn't say that, he says peppermint stick, sure we know what he means but I just hate him. Then he says to hang up your sock.....sock? Sock, really? YOU MEAN STOCKING???? Sure, again we know what he means, but he just isn't trying so I'm not going to try and entertain his lack of rhyming words. He then says Santa will come just at exactly (redundant) 12'O'clock.......says who??? Where does it say that's when Santa comes?? He can't come to every house at midnight you jackass, there are too many of them, he has to pace himself and spread them out! Either way what comes next is the worst lyric of any holiday song, "he'll be coming down the chimney down." WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN??? WHY DID YOU SAY DOWN AGAIN??? I hate this song but then it ends by going back into the good part of the song, which I wish just stayed that song in the first place, BUT NO! 


#4. Sir Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmas Time

Boy do I hate this crappy song. I remember the first time I heard it in the Gap all those years ago. I was like, what the hell instrument is playing this song, a bouncing ball??? Still haven't answered that question, but I really don't care enough to look into it. Everyone loves this song too, that's really the worst part about it. It gets played a ton this time of year, as I'm sure you all know. You then yell, I LOVE THIS SONG! and turn it up, while I just try to poke out my ear drums. 



#3. Elvis Presley - I'll Have A Blue Christmas 

Yes, I hate this song. Probably because Elvis was a terrible singer, but more likely it is because the first line of this song. Did you ever notice Elvis crams the words, "I'll have a," into one word??? You can't just do that! It's not even English. The background singers really ruin this song as well. Not sure whose idea it was to have that high pitched wailing as his backup, maybe they thought if they sound terrible it will make Elvis sound better? Nice try, didn't work. The upright bass is also boring in this song, it just repeats over and over again. I have a blue Christmas every time this song plays. 


#2. Beach Boys - Little Saint Nick

The Beach Boys, nothing says Christmas time like a group that exclusively sings about surfing and cars (in that order). Well, nobody told them not to make a Christmas album so that's just what they did! Their worst song, of all time, hands down, is clearly, Little Saint Nick. They took 2 minutes to write it, another 2 to record it, but it has created a life-time of misery for me. So let me get the song's story right, Santa Claus has a car at the North Pole (good, there are a lot of roads for him to drive up there) and then he names it after himself??? Worst name for a car on the planet earth, btw. It's just such a stupid, terrible song. It just makes no sense and I hate it. It doesn't have a catchy tune, AND it doesn't have cute lyircs, AND it was a bad idea, AND no one cares about it, AND did you notice the part where they keep saying "and" in it??? It is really annoying, AND it sucks. Go back to the beach and stay out of the north Beach Boys. It's just a bad song, they tried and they failed.

#1. Santa Baby - Madonna 

Here it is, the worst Christmas song of all time, in my opinion, and the one I hate to hear but am forced to hear it, every single year. Maybe it doesn't suck as much as it is just plain annoying. This song just sucks so much I can't even make an analogy up about Madonna sucking right along side of her song. I just don't know what this song is about, is this a girl that is hitting on Santa? Does she just want stuff so she is acting like she likes him? Is she just calling her husband or boyfriend Santa? Is she a full grown adult who thinks Santa is REAL?? I don't know and can't figure it out because who would find Santa attractive? Then again, it is Madonna so I guess if anyone out there is willing to have sex with Santa Claus, it would be her. I don't know and don't care. I first started hating this song when it was on a commercial years and years ago. Maybe just because that cow Kirstie Alley was singing it, I don't know. I hate all versions of this song and wish it would get outlawed, but I don't see that happening any time soon. 


Well thank you for sitting through that, but to be fair I have to sit through all these idiotic songs each Christmas, so I guess we're even. These are the WORST Christmas songs on the radio, but that's just my two cents.


Friday, October 23, 2015

Trying New Cheeses: Entry 10, Sartori, Bellavitano Gold


Sometimes the best cheese can be found right here in America. There are several states that claim to have the best cheese but Wisconsin wins all the right arguments. One cheese making family has been producing fine cheeses for years, their experience has led to many awards. For my tenth entry, I decided to try one of their originals, the Bella Vitano Gold, and it isn't just a clever name, it also won a gold medal at the 2013 Wold Cheese Awards. I can't pass up a chance to taste a gold medal winner.


Sartori, Bella Vitano Gold

Milk: Cows
Type: hard
Country: United States
Region:  Antigo,Wisconsin 
Pasturized: Yes
Description: A pale yellow cheese that will crumble slightly, having nutty and buttery flavor 
Claim to Fame: A Sartori original, designed after Italian farmstead cheese and multiple award winner

History: The Bella Vitano Gold is a Sartori family original. It was inspired by Italian farmstead cheese. The Sartori company is big on Italian cheeses but they state their Bellavitano is where their artisan cheese making began to shine. It was first made in 1999 and has won many awards, including a gold medal at the 2013 World Cheese awards and Grand Champion at the 2013 World Dairy Expo. All of Sartori's Bella Vitano cheeses are derived from their Gold. 

Taste: I'm not going to lie, when I know a cheese has won a gold medal, and especially, multiple awards, I expect a lot in the flavor department. The Bella Vitano Gold delivered. It didn't have a strong aroma and it looked and felt much like a parmesan. I was surprised at how creamy the cheese was when I cut into it and tasted it. I was expecting a hard cheese but somehow the Bella Vitano was pleasantly creamy and smooth. 



At first the flavor reminds you of a parmesan but it certainly is different. It has a nutty fruity flavor and although sharp, it isn't overpowering. In fact, I'd say it had just the right amount of sharpness. It did crumble, but only slightly. There were calcium crystals in it but very few. The texture becomes smooth in your mouth despite being a hard cheese. It even leaves you with a buttery after taste. In short, it was VERY good. I enjoyed it and continued to go back for more.
  

It was $6.35 for 5.3 oz but that really was worth it. It has won so many awards that I feel the Sartori family could justify just about any price. It was a very well-balanced cheese that would be the star in many different uses, cheese boards, wine pairings, fruit, or by itself! I would definitely try it again and since the Bella Vitano has several flavors, you don't have to stick to just one. I recommend starting with the Gold and then move on to other Sartori cheeses. If there was ever a cheese to open the door to an entire company, this would be it. 


This was my first American original cheese in this series. I'm kind of surprised that it took me a cheese trying trip of 10 before I got to America. I'll give my 10th entry a nine out of ten. It wasn't a perfect cheese because it was kind of boring, but the flavor alone was enough to make you forget that. This cheese may have won a bunch of  awards but if you try it, you'll be a winner but that's just my two cents. 


Cheese Fact: The country with the largest consumers of cheese is....Greece! Three fourths of that cheese happens to be Feta. 


Thank you for reading and I hope you check back for my next entry in this series! 


Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Trying New Cheeses: Entry 9, Ile De France, Camembert


It may come as a surprise that I haven't tried Camembert cheese but it's true. Sure I've had Brie, a very close relative to Camembert, but they are NOT the same cheese as I was to learn. 


Ile De France, Camembert

Milk: Cows
Type: Soft 
Country: France
Region: Camembert, Normandy
Pasteurized: No
Description: Round mold rind with pale yellow creamy inside 
Claim to Fame: Issued to troops in WW1

HISTORY: Camembert comes from the town of Camembert in Normandy. It was first made in 1791 by Marie Harel following advice by a priest from Brie. Usually unpasteurized, but in modern times cheese producers use pasteurized milk for safety, Camembert is aged for at least 3 weeks. In 1890 a round wooden box started to be used to help distribute it over longer distances, namely America where it became popular. It became wildly known during World War 1, when it was issued to the French troops. Today Camembert is a one of the most well-known and loved Cheeses from France.

 TASTE: Camembert comes in a round wooden box, very similar to Brie. In fact, you have to look closely or you'll mistake the two. (Much like Edam and Gouda) When I opened up the wooden box I found the cheese was wrapped in a paper, again, just like Brie. UNLIKE Brie, the smell was VERY pungent, and unpleasant. However, once I unwrapped the cheese I noticed that it did not have the same smell and it apparently was all in the wrapping. The cheese was a pale yellow and covered in a mold, just like Brie. Camembert had been very Brie-like until this point but this is where the similarities stopped and the Camembert began to take on a personality of its own.

 The cheese itself was VERY soft, even softer than Brie. It would hold its shape when left alone but if you tried to pick it up, it would sag and droop. This made cutting into the Camembert different from Brie, I feel Brie holds its shape better. It was very soft and the cheese could be described as runny as it oozed out of the mold rind. The texture was extremely creamy and I could tell right away that using it for any sort of cooking would have been great because it wouldn't take much for it to melt.


 The taste was different from Brie. It was similar but the mold was far less noticeable, overall it was a nutty and earthy flavor with musty hints of mushroom. The rind itself was softer than the Brie rind and wasn't as firm. I decided to try it with the Brie favorite, a pear, but to my surprise it didn't go as well with it. It easily spread on a cracker and that was very tasty. It definitely melts in your mouth and I kept going back for more. Cutting it got tricky so use a long knife that will cut the entire length of the cheese.

Camembert had a good price of $2.25 for 4.5 oz. It was small but it's a specialty cheese as the flavor is so strong you won't need a lot of it anyway. I highly suggest Camembert for those Brie lovers out there. If you love Brie, then you'll ADORE Camembert. When compared to Brie, Camembert is softer, milder mold rind, and creamier with a stronger flavor. I give the Ile De France, Camembert a 9 out of 10, the only reasons it didn't get a perfect score was it can be difficult to cut and eat, and the simple fact is, you're still eating a mold rind. I'm glad they sell Camembert here in America because I would have no problem storming the beaches of Normandy to get this cheese, but that's just my two cents.


CHEESE FACT: Mozzarella is most consumed cheese in the world.


Thank you for reading and I hope you will check back with my next entry in this series!




Monday, August 17, 2015

EPIC FAMOUS BEARDS


Well how can I do an epic famous mustaches post and not follow up with an epic beard post??? I can't. So here are what I consider to be famous epic beards. If you didn't get a chance to read my epic mustaches post, you can see it here http://andrew-mytwocents.blogspot.com/2015/07/epic-famous-mustaches.html



Abraham Lincoln


Pout all you want, you know you should grow a beard.

A stone beard that will last forever. 
Quite possibly the most famous beard of all time, Ol' honest Abe's beard has gone down in history in several different ways. A little girl wrote a letter to the president suggesting he should grow a beard, Abraham Lincoln kept his beard and it survives to this day in the Lincoln Memorial. It also appears on the penny, the 5 dollar bill, and pretty much any likeness of President Lincoln. Kudos to him for never growing a mustache with it, (that would have been easy) but he kept his upper lip empty as he filled our nation with unity!




ZZ Top
Accepting awards for their beards BUT NOT YOU FRANK! 
If you want a hat and shades too Frank, just grow a beard! 



These little beardlettes would soon grow in some epic facial hair.


Ladies go crazy for a sharp dressed man...WITH A BEARD! The band ZZ Top took the music world by storm because of their beards. At least that's what I always thought. Billy Gibbons, Dusty Hill, and Frank Beard...............Frank Beard is the one without a beard btw, can you believe that? Talk about ironic! That should be the ultimate example of irony when children learn about it in school, the teacher should just take out a picture of these 3 guys and say, "Look at the loser without a beard, his name IS Beard." I'm not sure why he refused to grow a beard and I don't know why he wasn't kicked out of the group because of it, but hey, it's not my band. He should have the biggest and best beard of the whole bunch but instead he has lived his life as an outsider. Anyway, they made a cameo in Back To The Future part 3 and their beards really made them fit into the scenery of the old west.



Edward Teach
Thousand yard stare right there...


A little flamboyant but still, nice beard! 
 An epic beard immortalized!
Speaking of the old west, we now head to the high seas for the next epic beard worn by none other than Black Beard The Pirate. If you are so well-known for your beard that it becomes your name...you have an epic beard. Edward was a notorious pirate and his beard was just as famous, he even lit fuses in it when going into battle to scare his enemies. Although a force to be reckoned with, he didn't treat his captives all that badly (for a pirate that is) and most of our pirate stereotypes come from Black Beard.




Brett Keisel 




There have been many wonderful beards throughout the years of the NFL, especially when they are grown for the playoffs, but one player has his year round. Brett Keisel of the Pittsburgh Steelers sports this massive man beard under his face mask every season. It might be the best beard in sports but one thing is for sure, it certainly is unrivaled in the NFL. 




General James Longstreet


Not one but TWO statues? What a beard!
Tom Berenger as Longstreet and his beard in the movie Gettysburg.
The civil war era had some great beards and mustaches alike, but only a few can be considered epic! Although General Lee and General Grant both had some pretty good beards, it was James Longstreet that I feel had the best. Just look how thick it was. If you don't know who Longstreet was, he was General Lee's right hand man but he strongly disagreed with the tactics at Gettysburg. Well, we all know that General Lee pretty much did what he wanted and ignored Longstreet, causing the major loss at Gettysburg. Many people blamed Longstreet for the loss but with a beard like that how can you stay mad at a guy?? 





Frederick Douglass








His beard may have faded with time, but now it will last forever.
There aren't too many men as awesome as Frederick Douglass. He didn't always have a beard but once he began to grow one in his younger years, he kept it and as you can see, it grew on him. (Not originally meant to be a joke) He was born a slave but died a fee man and he let his beard go down into history as he worked hard to become, what many believe to be, the first Blackman accepted by white society. He was a close friend and advisor to President Lincoln. I have to wonder if they ever talked about their beards...I'm sure it came up at least once. 



The Duck Dynasty Family


Hey, ZZ Top! And the beardless guy finally has grown one...oh wait...never mind.
\

You don't want to meet these beards in a swamp at night.

Now here is a family that beards together...if that's a verb and I don't think it is, BUT it should be! Phil, Willie, Jase, and Si Robertson all have epic beards and what's more, they are proud of them! They sure can grow them in that family! Maybe eating duck meat helps beards to grow or maybe it's the climate of the wetlands that does it, either way they all have famous epic beards. 


Karl Marx

                                       


This statue is all beard, just like Karl Marx.
Is that an Aborigine? No! It's just historical trouble maker Karl Marx! When Karl Marx wasn't busy inventing Communism, he was busy growing his epic beard! He pretty much always had it and I think if he would have called it, "Beardism," instead of, "Marxism," there would have been more followers. He really had a working man's beard, a beard of the people, a beard that could be shared! There are actually multiple statues of this guy and his epic beard. 

Shout out to his buddy Friedrich Engles. I guess sitting around all day thinking up socialism does a beard good?




Kimbo Slice




Before he was getting his ass kicked in the ring, he was kicking ass in back yards as this homeless brawler took his beard from neighborhood to neighborhood looking for fights. I guess he had a beard because of the whole homeless thing instead of growing it for fashion but even when he started to make money for professional  MMA fighting, he kept his trademark beard. I will say it does make him look more menacing. 





Charles Darwin




Charles Darwin certainly had a beard that he must have been growing for a long time, or should I say evolving? Honestly, I think he looks like a monkey...not sure if that's poetic justice or just plain ironic but either way I think he would take me saying he resembles an ape as a compliment. Doesn't he remind you of Santa Claus? Good thing he wasn't or he would have shot Rudolph for being the weakest of the reindeer...or wait....would he have considered Rudolph to be the next step in reindeer evolution and therefore superior to the others??? I'm sure he could explain it to me if he were here but I'd be too busy staring at his beard! 


Hans Langseth





GAME OVER. Now THAT is a beard! In fact Hans has the longest beard in history, 18 feet, 6 inches! He may be dead but his beard will never be forgotten. If your beard touches the ground you don't need anyone telling you it's epic. He was known as King Whiskers, and truly he was the king of beards. There is just no topping that folks. 

Sorry Darwin, when it comes to beard survival, HE was the fittest.