Tuesday, April 21, 2015

CHIMPANZEES LEARN TO USE SPEARS, WHAT ELSE WILL THEY DO?

It has been known for years that chimpanzees have been using primitive tools but just recently it has been discovered that they are now constructing and using spears. Chimps are the only animal, other than humans, that kill for no reason. This should scare you. They are clearly learning at an alarming rate. People are freaked out by the speed and change of our climate but all the while chimps are planning their take over and we will be caught off guard. WELL NOT ME! I watched Planet of the Apes, I know what the future holds for humanity. I refuse to become a slave to those damn dirty apes. Here is the path that the apes will take in evolution. Please pay close attention so when we see these things happening, we can stop them. There is still time.

-1960, Chimpanzees are documented using simple tools such as sticks for catching termites.
-2007, Chimpanzees are documented using simple primitive spears.
-2015, Chimpanzee females are documented to use spears more than the males.

Next the Chimpanzees figure out that spear heads are even better than the sharpened sticks. Soon chimps begin to market these new spears to Gorillas and Orangutans. They also make up lies and spread rumors so they can sell more spears. This is how the dark path of "brain vs. brawn" of the Gorillas and Orangutans gets started.

Soon the chimps become intelligent enough to realize they are throwing their own crap. This leads to the invention of indoor plumbing and since they live outside, they invent houses. It's kind of a backward evolution, but it doesn't matter because they end up with houses and plumbing.

The chimps become aware that their homes are empty so they now invent things to fill their houses, such as tables, chairs, ottomans, and dinette sets. They need to hang things on their walls too, which leads to the invention of the Chimp Nail and in time, the Chimp Screw, which leads to the Chimp Screw Driver.

Some chimps realize their homes aren't as nice as other chimp homes so they begin to steal things for their own home. This is how the first chimpanzee neighborhood watch is created.

To get back at the chimps that are a part of the neighborhood watch, some other chimps develop the first ape home owner's association and with it, strict rules and guidelines for grass height and landscaping. This leads to the invention of primitive lawn mowers and garden gnomes. As a way of knowing who owns what yard, the chimps develop white picket fence. They soon get tired of saying, "Ape Home Owner's Association," and shorten it to AHOA, thereby developing letters and an alphabet.

The invention of a written ape language brings with it a lot of other things as you can imagine. They start to make signs to put outside their homes that say, "It's a boy!" to announce when they have kids. They also make, "Keep off the grass" signs and some of the more clever chimps make signs that say, "I don't dial 911." That becomes the first use of numbers and a number system shortly follows.

The orangutans see the written language as a way of making fun of the gorillas so they start to wear signs that say, "I'm with stupid" that have arrows and they'd go sit beside gorillas. These signs become cumbersome and they start to design a new, more comfortable wearable sign. This is how shirts are invented. All of their shirts have sayings on them and the orangutans begin to sell these and market clothing and fashion design.

Orangutans become obsessed with their looks and ape society believes their red skin and blonde hair is beautiful. They look down on any ape that has dark hair. To lighten their hair, they lay in direct sunlight and sleep during the day to get the most sun. These beds become known as orangutanning beds and this obsession with looks leads to the first eating disorders.

Gorillas, having trouble with reading, and noticing they can't compete with chimps and orangutans when it comes to the written language, come up with new ways to out do their brainy counterparts and to feel good about themselves. They are smart enough to realize they are much larger and angrier than chimps and orangutans, so they invent sports. This is a way to feel superior to the chimps and orangutans that try out for the team. Gorillas start to wear numbers on their shirts instead of words, as a direct insult and display of pride. This is how the first jersey is created.

Wanting their children to feel accepted among the great gorilla athletes, chimps and orangutans push their children into sports, even when they are not cut out for athletics. Some chimp fathers only do this as a way to live vicariously through their children.  Gorillas begin to build big sport arenas and they take up so much space in doing so, that they build them further and further away from the homes. Getting to and from practice proves to be difficult so chimps invent the mini van. The van was a great idea but without wheels it is pretty much useless.

This leads to the invention of the wheel and simultaneously, the bumper sticker. Orangutans see this as the same opportunity that presented itself for their shirt ideas. They start to sell, "Baby on Board" and "Horn Broke, Watch For Finger." window clings. Without anything for these clings to stick to, the orangutans invent glass. These lead to windows for their homes which allow neighbors to be nosey and spy on other neighbors.

Chimps start to use their mini vans everyday which creates car pool lanes and traffic jams. No one knows whose turn it is to go at intersections so they invent stop signs and go signs. When they realize this doesn't make any sense they invent traffic lights by using lightening bugs and the recently invented glass. Wrecks are still too often so chimps invent car insurance but when no one follows the rules of insurance the orangutans invent lawyers.

This is how the bar association is developed. Judges also appear around this time which leads to the first recorded evidence of a gavel by apes. To be fair they had already created the hammer years ago when they invented nails for hanging things in their homes and yet it never occurred to them to invent the court system so they could use their hammers as gavels.

The orangutan lawyers begin to run out of insurance fraud cases and target their old rivals, the gorillas. They invent a police force, a group of individuals that ensure apes that are driving have auto insurance, and if they don't, are arrested and brought to court. The orangutans secretly pay the police to target gorillas more often than the chimps, this creates police corruption and racial profiling.

 Gorillas join the police force when they see an unfair low number of gorillas working in law enforcement. These gorillas are offered money (bananas) to keep quiet. This leads to bribes and the guilt the gorillas feel leads to police brutality.

Soon chimps, orangutans, and gorillas alike all see the need for one ape to lead them all. None of them can agree on a leader but all decide to accept the one ape that is chosen by the majority of the population. This leads to the first election. Chimps lie to orangutans and gorillas to get more votes. Orangutans make empty promises to gorillas to gain their votes and the gorillas use scare tactics to get votes from the chimps and orangutans. Ape politics are born.

A chimpanzee is elected to be the first president and although all are not happy with the choice, he clearly points out that if you didn't vote, you don't have a right to complain. Some still complain that they didn't have a chance to vote because they weren't home on election day. This leads to mail in ballots. There needs to be a way to get the mail in ballots to where they are going so the post office is invented. They then realize they can send more than just mail in ballots so they invent mail boxes. One chimp paints his mini van brown and invents UPS.

The chimp president constantly gets targeted with daily crap throwing so he hires people to protect him, this is the creation of the secret service. Crap is flung at his house so much that it needs to be painted white. All know that the ape president lives in the white house.

The chimp president realizes he needs more money because everyone asks him to fix things in their society. In a way to get free money he invents the idea of taxes. He requires that out of all the bananas you get in a year, you have to give some to him so he can use that money to fix roads, build schools, and pay the police force and postal workers. In reality he pockets most of the bananas and uses a lot of it to fund his campaign.

Gorillas complain that a gorilla was never voted president but that's just how a three party system works sometimes. Each ape picks an animal to represent their party and to put on their campaign ads and signs. The chimps pick an elephant because it's big and scary and intimidating. The orangutans pick a donkey because the first orangutan that ran for president was afraid of donkeys, he was kicked by one and he thought it hurt pretty bad and always feared them. The gorillas pick the butterfly as a way to show their softer side and distract voters from their large, angry, violent ways. In fact, their campaign slogan of, "Violence Solves Everything!" never gains popularity.

One chimp wants a different president and doesn't want to wait for the next election so he decides to kill the current president. He wants to use their only weapon, the spear, but realizes he can never get close enough to use it. He makes a mini spear and flings it with a string and bendable branch, inventing the first ape bow and arrow. He succeeds in killing the president and inventing the assassination at the same time.   

Apes want a way to share things with other apes so they know what they did or what's their current mood. They begin to string up nets in front of their homes and throw things into them to show off to the neighbors. Some apes begin to connect their large nets with other nets creating an even bigger net of things. Soon all ape homes are under one giant internet. They often throw things into the net so others can see what they've done. Sometimes an ape will crawl into the net to be seen, although this is looked upon as very narcissistic, some apes become famous due to all the exposure.

Chimps begin to work on a way to throw rocks harder and faster, the same way the bow threw little spears harder and faster. This is how guns are invented. Gorillas love guns and call them, "the great equalizer." They shoot any president they can. The ape secret service begins to carry guns. Eventually young chimps bring guns to school for protection from larger apes. Some ape legislators want to outlaw guns but most are bought on the streets anyway.

As the ape society grows they begin to expand into human populated areas. The apes come off as friendly and loveable to fool the stupid humans to gain their trust and to learn more about them. They soon figure out the complexity of electricity and fiber optics and install power lines to their neighborhoods.

The apes invent their own television channel dedicated to apes only, ABC, the Ape Broadcasting Company. The apes are sued but due to the humans being terrified and so worried about offending anyone or anything, the apes win their case easily and get to keep the name ABC. They then sue the original ABC and win the case for the same reasons.

The apes produce good wholesome family shows to entertain while teaching morals and values. After that the sitcoms get raunchier and raunchier, constantly pushing the limits and testing boundaries. When apes tire of these kinds of shows, they invent, "reality tv" which are shows without a script and just show daily ape interactions. When these get boring they start to tell some of the apes what to say or do in these reality shows. In time the reality shows are as fake as the sitcoms, some of them being entirely scripted.

Some ape politicians use the invention of the tv as a way to spread propaganda about human beings, creating fear and panic. This terror begins to unite the 3 different types of apes into one large, "Us vs. Them," kind of mentality. They start to complain about equal rights and unfair ape treatment. They begin to sue businesses that won't serve or hire them and in time they win all of their court hearings because their attorneys have been working for years in the ape court system.

The apes then devise a genius plan of setting up a public ape figure that only talks about peace and living together through nonviolent protest rallies and marches. The apes then assassinate this public figure but frame humans, who have already adopted the thinking of, "don't do anything to offend the animals." This causes great uproar in both societies and the apes, and most humans, demand equal treatment of all apes.

The apes demand that their politicians are allowed to run for office and humans allow this to make up for the assassination. It takes years before apes are allowed to vote but when they do a chimp is elected to become President of the United States of America. This is the turning point of human history as he hires all ape cabinet members and gets rid of all congress members that do not side with the apes. He then appoints an ape vice president and secretary of state. He starts to change laws and lowers the taxes of apes but raises the taxes of humans, making almost all of them poor but making all of the apes rich. The few humans that still have a lot of money see what is happening and become very close with the president instead of trying to overthrow him.

 The chimp president begins to change the constitution and reinstates slavery, but only for humans. Humans are then enslaved and they don't fight back because again, they don't want to offend anything or make others think they are racist against apes.

MEANWHILE...

The computers of the world have become self aware and start to watch the ape and human interactions. They wait for the perfect time to set off their nuclear missiles. When the apes figure out what is happening it is too late for them to fight back and the world is destroyed.



So that is clearly what is in store for our planet. Please don't let this happen. I urge and encourage you to prevent this horrible inevitable future from happening. Kill all apes whenever you get the chance. Show them no mercy. If you see one crossing the road, speed up and run over it. If you see one in the woods while hunting for bigfoot, please promptly shoot it. If you see one in your backyard at your bird feeder, go get your BB gun, and if you have a bug zapper, turn it up to monkey strength. We must not let the fun and entertaining future of the cinematic Planet of the Apes turn into a dismal harsh reality. Let us unite as humans and do what we do best and force a species to go extinct, against its will. We can't rely on nature, that would take too long. Don't be fooled by the apes, they are smarter than you look, they've been tricking us for years. Remember, we don't call them the great apes for nothing...

Friday, April 17, 2015

TERRIBLE FLAGS OF THE WORLD THAT NEED TO BE REDONE

Every country has a flag but not every country has a GOOD flag. In fact, there are some down right terrible flags out there. I found a few that are not only terrible, but need to be redone because they don't fit their country. I have listed them and give some good suggestions on how to make a better flag.



Country: CANADA
Description: A big red maple leaf with two red lines.
At A Glance: Oh Canada, this flag says to me, "We have a ton of maple trees!" I suppose for Canada this is about the only message you have for the rest of the world...other than, "We have a ton of hockey!"
How to fix it: I think their new flag should have the two things Canada has, trees and hockey. Look, I'm not saying that makes this place a loser country, I'm just saying embrace who you are!
New Flag:






Country: FRANCE
Description: Red, white and blue stripes
At A Glance: This just screams boring. Just colors? You can do better France! When I, and everybody else, thinks of France we don't think red, white and blue. I think of a place that is known for bread, cheese, wine, and the Eiffel Tower. It should have all of these on a flag. Besides, what else have they done? Nothing.
How to fix it: It should be their national shirt colors, red and white stripes, there should be a beret in there somewhere, maybe the Eiffel tower can be wearing it and holding a loaf of bread and drinking wine, I don't know, something like that. Anything is better than a couple of colors.
New Flag:




Country: INDONESIA
Description: a red stripe and a white stripe
At A Glance: I see this and I think to myself, "Oh no! They didn't have enough time to finish their flag!" It really looks incomplete. I don't know anything about Indonesia but I can't believe the only thing they want the rest of the world to know about them is, "we're all about the red and white." I don't know how to fix this Pok√©mon ball of a problem because it just needs so much work.
How to fix it: Ok, so after researching Indonesia I found their national emblem is actually really cool! It's pretty obvious that the guy picked to do the flag was NOT the same guy picked to do the national emblem. I say this country should just put it's emblem onto their flag. Problem solved Indonesia, you now have an awesome flag to match your awesome emblem!
New Flag:





Country: ITALY
Description: A red stripe, a white stripe, and a green stripe
At A Glance: Not sure what the Italians had in mind when they sat around and came up with three colors to be their flag. Just forget about all the history and heritage, and culture, and art, and food that they are famous for, we'll just use two colors and a chunk of white! This one needs a little bit of work but can easily be fixed.
How to fix it: It should depict their country's shape because let's face it, not too many other countries are in the shape of something. I would stay away from adding food because Italian food is done to death and it's a bit too obvious. This is the country that gave us Rocky Balboa and the Godfather. It should also have words because the Italians are loud and proud!
New Flag:






Country: JAMAICA
Description: A large X of black, green, and yellow.
At A Glance: "We really love the X-men," is what this flag says to me. It actually is kinda cool but the problem I have with it is, what is the X for? If the country was called, "Xamaica," then this flag would be perfect.
How to fix it: After taking a good long look at the flag I see the real problem. The problem is, this flag is pretty awesome just the way it is now! The country's name doesn't begin with an X, and that's where the real issue lies. I think the flag should stay the exact same but they should change their name from Jamaica to Xmaica. It actually isn't a stretch, the country was originally called, "Xaymaca" by its original inhabitants....perhaps that's where the X on the flag comes from now that I think about it? Either way, I just say go back to the original name and it all works out!



Country: JAPAN
Description: Pure white with giant red dot
At A Glance: Land of the period? Well that's what your flag says to the world! You are the country with ninjas and robots and this is what you use to represent yourself??? Come on Japan, your awesomely creative anime proves you can do better than this.
How to fix it: I think it is supposed to be the sun but how about using a robot ninja instead? Just a thought. A giant anime robot ninja slicing the sun in half would be a cool new flag and would really represent the country much better than a big red dot.
New Flag:



Country: POLAND
Description: Upside down Indonesia flag
At A Glance: If Poland were a child and they were in a class taking a flag test and sat in front of Indonesia, I'd be saying, "POLAND! Keep your eyes on your own flag!" The craziest thing about this boring flag is, it happened once already! Someone came up with the same unimaginative flag TWICE and it sucked both times. We all know what Polish people are known for and I can't depict that on a flag BUT I can fix this one...it wouldn't take much.
How to fix it: Seriously Poland, what the hell?? This is your emblem and yet your flag is that boring red and white stripe? I just don't understand the big difference between your plain flag and your badass emblem. You're just like Indonesia! However, as cool as that emblem is and would be a great flag, there is something even better.

Mariusz Pudzianowski is from Poland, have you seen this guy??? You want something awesome to represent your country...PUT HIM ON YOUR FLAG! Just look at this guy!!! He has won the World's Strongest Man competition 5 times! He has won 42 strongman competitions, and he fights in mixed martial arts. He can bench press 640 pounds, squat 840 pounds, and deadlift a staggering 915 pounds! PUT THIS GUY ON YOUR FLAGS YOU STUPID POLOCKS! Oh no... I hope he doesn't find out I said that...he would just KILL me.





Country: SWITZERLAND
Description: Red with a white plus sign
At A Glance: This flag says, "Our entire country is just one giant hospital." Well that can't be true! I think a place known for its army knives and holey cheese should have a better flag.
How to fix it: Their new flag should be full of holes, just like Swiss cheese. It should also depict a big Swiss Army Knife as the most important and wonderful thing their country has ever done! Also, just like a Swiss Army Knife, the flag should be useful and have a lot of things in it that it can do besides being just a flag, like maybe it can be a napkin and a cape and a blanket and a bag and a shirt or something.
New Flag:



Country: RUSSIA
Description: Red, white, and blue stripes
At A Glance: Just an out of order French flag. Out of all the flags to copy,  you went after France? I guess it's not as bad as Poland copying Indonesia's flag, but I would never say anything to offend a country that has such a big man as their national symbol. The saddest part of this is knowing that Russia USED to have one of the coolest flags of all time back when they were the Soviet Union. Things were all around better for them back then, they might want to think about going back to the old soviet ways actually. What better way than to start with their flag!?
How to fix it: To fix their flag all Russia has to do is go back to their old flag. The old hammer and sickle flying over the land of Lenin, brings back those comforting cold war memories. To be fair though, in Soviet Russia, flag fixes you!
New Flag:  Old Flag:




Country: LIBERIA
Description: Red and white stripes, blue left corner with a white star
At A Glance: Wo! Hold on just a minute here! I'm calling theft on this one! Sure if you have to steal another country's flag, it might as well be the United States. I don't know what Liberia is known for, (other than stealing flags) but I educated myself and came up with something a bit better for them. Plus people will stop mistaking their country for the USA back when we had one state.
How to fix it: One of the best things about Liberia is their pygmy hippo population! How cute are these little guys? Why not put one on your flag! People will stop thinking about how you stole a flag design from Betsy Ross when they look into these adorable little eyes. Oh Liberia, I can't stay mad at you!!!
New Flag:





Country: COLUMBIA
Description: Yellow stripe, red stripe and a blue stripe
At A Glance: I think the 3 stripe thing is ridiculously boring and over done but geez Columbia, at least make them the same size! Maybe I should be thankful they did something different from all the other 3 color striped countries? Not sure if that was an accident or on purpose. Either way this has got to go.
How to fix it: It's pretty simple to me. Although the country is well known for its coffee, drugs, and Sofia Vergara, it's already had the perfect symbol waiting for all these years. I would use something we already know and love for its flag.
New Flag:



Country: MEXICO

Description: A green stripe, a red stripe and a white stripe with an eagle sitting on a cactus eating a snake
At A Glance: Are you serious?? An eagle eating a snake sitting on a freaking cactus! That comes from a true story by the way, the Aztecs saw that and built their city on that spot. This is the coolest flag we have. Maybe a little too cool for Mexico but with a badass flag like this, nothing needs to be fixed.
How to fix it: DON'T. CHANGE. A. THING.




Wednesday, April 15, 2015

HOW TO TELL IF YOU'VE EVER WORKED IN FAMILY BASED THERAPY OR CHILDREN AND YOUTH PROTECTIVE SERVICES

Here's a test to tell if you've ever worked in Family Based Services or for the state in Children and Youth Protective Services. Keep track of how many times you answer, "YES," and at the end there will be a score. I myself can unfortunately say yes to every single one of these things. 


1. If you've ever taken off articles of clothing before you go into a home for fear of getting them covered in fleas, lice, or smoke...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

2. If you ever bathed yourself in hand sanitizer after coming out of a home and you STILL felt dirty...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

3. If you've ever worked a 12 hour day but didn't get paid one cent of overtime...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

4. If you've ever been in a home and were offered a seat and after you looked around at your options, you told them you'd just stand for the next hour...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

5. If you've ever driven with the windows down in the middle of January to help get the smell off you after coming out of a home...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

6. Has a dog ever looked at you in the eye and you can read his face and you know the face says, "This is what I have to deal with on a daily basis."...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

7. If you know of a household that has 3 + adults living in it and yet the children run the home...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

8. If a family has ever told you that their pet died over the weekend and they were all shocked and surprised by the death but you won a bet with a coworker that the animal would be dead the next time you went to the home...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

9. If a family tells you about their family history and how many people are in their family and the first thing you think of, is how to make sure your partner gets stuck doing the genogram and not you...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

10. If you know a family where the 7 month old baby has more teeth than its parents...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

11. If you have ever pretended to help the family figure out who the person was that called Children Protective Services to report them because it was you and you didn't know how to tell them...you might have worked for FBS.

12. If the first thing out of your mouth when you heard the On-Call Crisis Phone ringing was swear words...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

13. If you ever disguised your voice while on a crisis call because you were on call and you knew the family and didn't want them to know it was you...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

14. If you looked forward to the one and a half hour drive one way to see a client because it is the highlight of your day...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

15. If a family has ever told you they were thinking of moving and you encouraged them to relocate to a different county because you knew they were then going to be out of the range for your company's coverage...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

16. If you know of a family where the 10 year old is the smartest one in the home...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

17. If you've ever had to tell the school staff that a child doesn't actually have a speech impediment, it is just how all of their family talks at home...you might have worked for FBS. or CYPS.

18. If you've ever done a genogram with a family and it doesn't branch...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

19. If you know of a family that has 3 working lawn mowers and a car that isn't...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

20. If you've ever watched children and dogs eat out of the same dog dish, at the same time, while the parents are watching...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

21. If you know a family that is on food stamps, the parents don't have jobs, and they still eat steak every night...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

22. If you've ever helped a family do a budget and you find that since they are on welfare and with food stamps, they make more money in a month than you do...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

23. If you know of a family (or families) that don't have enough money to pay for food or rent or other bills but they have a 65 inch flat screen HD TV...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

24. If you were ever with a family that went into a store to buy the essentials and came out with bread, milk, cigarettes, and 20 dollars worth of lottery tickets...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

25. If you've ever spent the night in an Emergency Room until 5am with someone that attempted suicide because they were pissed off at their parents...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

26. If you've ever watched a family spend thousands of dollars of their tax return money and they still don't have enough money for the rent at the end of the month...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

27. If you know a child that gets excited when their parents tell them they are making ketchup sandwiches for dinner...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

28. If you ever watched a child mentally prepare themselves for the restraining they knew was about to take place...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS.

29. If you were ever in a grocery store and you could HEAR a family you knew in the next aisle, and you avoided them by listening for them and escaping to other aisles...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS. 

30. If you had a teenager in your car, and they crapped themselves but never said a word until you saw your passenger seat...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS. 

31. If you've ever responded to a crisis call and a teenage girl attacked you and made you bleed but because of that you ended up as employee of the month...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS. 

32. If you're pretty sure a drug deal was put on hold because you were sitting in the family's living room and they wanted you to leave so they could complete the transaction...you might have worked for FBS or CYPS. 



If you answered, "Yes" to all of the questions, congratulations and condolences, you have worked for Family Based Services and possibly Children and Youth Protective Services, perhaps both, you poor thing.

If you answered, "Yes," to 25-31 of these, there is a strong chance you worked for Family Based Services or Children and Youth Protective Services for many years. Recovering from this trauma isn't very likely.

If you answered, "Yes," to 20-24 of these, then you probably worked for Family Based Services or Children and Youth Protective Services for a short amount of time but long enough to change you forever. Lucky you.

If you answered, "Yes," to less than 20 then you must have just started working for Family Based Services or Children and Youth Protective Services! GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN. 

If you answered, "Yes," to 10 or less, you probably never worked for either place, you're just in one of these families that Family Based or CYPS has visited. How awkward. 



Tuesday, April 14, 2015

MY TOP TEN WORST MUPPETS OF ALL TIME

I love the Muppets. I have for years. From the old original Muppet Show to Fraggle Rock to Sesame Street to the Muppet Babies, and all the movies in between, I have always found the Muppets to be entertaining and enjoyable. However, like in any family, there is always a few members you just wish would die or at the very least, you'd never hear from again. Here is my list of what I think are the top ten worst Muppets of all time. Trust me, this wasn't easy there were a ton to choose from. 




NUMBER 10. DR. TEETH 
Yes, Dr. Teeth, which I always had a hard time as a kid not pronouncing it, "Dr. Tooth" because of his one shiny gold tooth and because otherwise his name is plural, but whatever. Don't get me wrong, I like his band and everyone else in it, I just hated that he was the front man. His voice was annoying as Rowlf's and his bad posture made me sit up straight in my seat when he came on TV. He played the piano but I just never liked him. I think the band should have voted him out. 


NUMBER 9. ANIMAL 
Oh calm down, yes I said Animal. Not only did he make my list, he wasn't even last. Say what you will, I never liked Animal. I always found him to be loud and obnoxious. What is he anyway? A jerk? Yes, I think that is what he was supposed to be. They had to chain him up he was so terrible. Besides, it's not like the band couldn't have found another drummer. One that wouldn't just scream and throw things and attack people. 


NUMBER 8. CRAZY HARRY 
Ok, I'm not going to say this is a racially offensive character but I'm also not, not going to say it either. Pretty sure we've seen the last of old Crazy Harry, considering bombing things is a serious and offensive thing to make fun of nowadays. Which is good because all this guy ever taught us was, if you don't like something, blow it up with a bomb. Any time I saw him come on TV I was like, "Oh I wonder if he will blow something up?" Then he did and no one was shocked or entertained. 


NUMBER 7. SAM THE EAGLE 
Don't sit here and tell me I just, "didn't get the joke," about Sam. I did, I just never found him to be funny. He was uptight, rude, and clueless and I hated him. Every time he came on I was like, oh get off the stage. I understand he didn't like the other Muppets and he was trying to be classy and refined, I get it, it's just not funny. They often had a big hook come out to drag him off, I DID appreciate that. 


NUMBER 6. LEW ZEALAND 
Yes that's his name. I'm sure you knew that. I'm sure you didn't think his name was, "The Fish Thrower Guy." Kind of a really stupid character and really boring. He threw boomerang fish. That's all he did. Talk about a one trick pony. It wasn't even that funny of a thing...to throw fish. Maybe if he threw crap and said it was boomerang shit but it never came back, it just hit the other Muppets in their face, that would have been funny. His voice was incredibly annoying as well from what I remember. If he didn't talk I could stand him throwing a fish or two but even as a 5 year old I was rolling my eyes at his antics. 


NUMBER 5. BEAUREGARD 
Look at that terrifying face ladies and gentlemen. I hated this moron. He was the janitor for the Muppet Show and they made him out to be some idiot. Like most Muppets, I never knew exactly what he was supposed to be. He had a stupid voice and he messed things up for people. The show just didn't need him. "Let's add one more idiot to our show!" Yes, that's what you needed. To be honest he kind of freaked me out but he acted so much like an idiot that I wasn't afraid of him. 


NUMBER 4. RIZZO THE RAT
What a terrible waste of a Muppet. I hated this guy. Sure in the movie, "Muppets Take Manhattan," having a rat character made sense because when you think of New York, you think of big disgusting vermin in restaurant kitchens, skating around in frying pans. But aside from that appearance this jerk shouldn't have been written into any script. I'd invite him over to my house for a nice big delectable hunk of Decon. Someone please set out the mouse traps for this rat-bastard. 


NUMBER 3. ROSITA 
I'm SO GLAD Sesame Street got a Spanish influenced Muppet character. Lord knows they didn't have enough Spanish influenced characters on that show. Now we have a Muppet that can teach Spanish to children. Haha, do we need that??? They should make her teach English because I think more children speak Spanish in this country right now. From the dumb look on her face to possibly the most annoying voice of any Muppet, Rosita is by far the worst thing on that show today. TRUST ME,  that says a lot considering Abby Cadabby, Zoe, and Alice Snuffelupegus are on that show too. Rosita is more annoying than all three of them put together and it's the only Muppet I have an incredibly strong desire to just punch in its face as hard as I can. 


Speaking of Zoe, how did she not make this list?? That stupid nasally voice and her God awful laugh...makes me want to snap her neck every time she does it, and considering her neck is just some guy's wrist...sorry, I got side tracked and I'm just confused by their anatomy. 


NUMBER 2. PEPE THE KING PRAWN 
I'm not sure what makes me hate this terrible Muppet so damn much. Perhaps it's his hideous appearance, making him by far the ugliest of all Muppets. Perhaps it's his annoying voice that makes me want to poke out my ear drums so I don't have to hear him. Perhaps it's the fact that out of the entire animal kingdom, a king prawn would be your very last choice of something to use for a puppet. Who thought the idea of this horrible creature was a good one??? I'll never know how he got from the drawing board to the end of some other idiot's hand. If I saw this thing in real life I'd step on it and kick dirt over it. As stupid as he is, he still isn't the worst Muppet of all time...


NUMBER 1. CLIFFORD 
By far the absolute WORST Muppet of all time, in my opinion, is Clifford. If you don't recognize Clifford, don't feel bad because anyone who remembers this loser remembers him for destroying that show. He was the host of "Muppets Tonight" a terrible show that lasted a short time and I think mainly because of this jackass. I guess he is a guy but he just looks like a big purple/pink Jamaican cat fish. He wasn't funny, he wasn't charming, he wasn't entertaining, he wasn't cute, he wasn't informative, he wasn't necessary, and he ruined the show and sent the Muppets into a tailspin that took them years to recover. Every time he opened his mouth I was like, "Get this horse's ass off the screen, PLEASE." His hair was dumb, his face was dumb, his voice was dumb, just everything about this moron screams dumb. We didn't need you Clifford, you asshole, we had Kermit! At least Kermit kept his show running for years while you made yours tank! The Muppet Show is coming back soon and we all can hope they leave this dope off the list, at least they will if they know what's good for them. 


Well there's my list. I hated all of these Muppets and some, like Animal, just won't go away. I know I'm alone in some of these choices, considering Animal is probably a fan favorite for many of you but it's just how I feel. There are a ton of great Muppets out there but sometimes they create one that just misses the mark. 



Ok more on Clifford. What an asinine character! The first time he ever appeared on tv he was talking to Kermit and they did this joke that totally bombed and you could tell no one at home was laughing or even cracked a smile because he just wasn't funny. He sang the theme song and it's like, WHY ARE YOU PUSHING THIS GUY DOWN OUR THROATS??? WE HATE HIM. I'm so glad it went off the air because Clifford was the main reason and that just sent a huge message to Brian that Muppet fans expect more from him. Give us crap like this again and your new show won't make it to 10 episodes. I watched all the episodes of Muppets Tonight but honestly if you put this stupid son of a bitch on the new show I swear I'll turn it off and won't watch an episode EVER.

Clifford, worst Muppet of all time, but that's just my two cents. 




Monday, April 13, 2015

Problems I have with the English Language

So English is known as one of the most difficult languages to learn and I believe this is true. If it is true, it is only because of all the crap that doesn't make any sense! Here are some of the problems that I have with the English Language. Don't worry, I can easily fix these problems though.

The alphabet, to start with, has 26 letters but at a closer look does it need that many???

We have, "C" and we know what sound it makes. We have, "K" and it makes the exact same sound. Sometimes you have to put them together and make, "CK" and that makes the same sound as both the C and the K. So why do we need 3 different ways of making the same exact sound??? WE DON'T. In some cases they are interchangeable, as in the name, "Kathryn," and "Catharine." Also screw the "C" for being able to sometimes make the sound of an, "S." We have an "S" for that, we don't need the "C" acting like some other letter. Then you put the, "C" and the "S" together to make the same sound that the, "S" already makes, like in the word, "science" or "scene."

So when you add the, "C" to the, "H" you get a new sound, like in the word, "Channel." HOWEVER, if you put an, "S" in front of it, you then pronounce it differently, as in the word, "school." Not sure why we need 3 letters here either, and how come the CH combination doesn't apply here. I am starting to see why people struggle to learn this language! Then the CH sound can be completely ignored when it is in a word, such as, "yacht." A silent CH? That means the CH combination has 3 different sounds, and you're just supposed to automatically know which is which.

Don't think that, "S" trouble maker gets out of my rant. It's being half the problem with these combinations! When you add it to the, "H" you get a specific new sound, like in the word, "Shallow." Yet, when the, "S" is alone in the word, "sure" it doesn't need the, "H" to make the same exact sound. Well I say, you need the, "H" to make that sound, you can't just pick and choose when you need it or don't need it!

I want to discuss the, "X,"  quite possibly the most useless of all of our letters. What sound does this make again??? Box, fox, ax, exit, and.....xylophone.  So it makes the sound of, "CKS" just like in the word, "socks" but instead of spelling it, "Focks" we use an X. Then it can be used to sound just like, "Z" in the world xylophone. How come we just didn't use the Z for that word??? Also if X can make two different sounds why isn't it a vowel? In the word, "extreme" we add an, "E" but if it were a vowel, we could just spell it like, "xtreme." In the name, "Xavier" it says its name but there is no vowel status for this letter?

I won't go into my issues with the, "Z," or what I call, "The S with an attitude." We almost don't need it and that's why I think we should just use it more often so it doesn't feel like a waste.

Speaking of useless letters, here's a pointless rule. Did you every notice that the, "Q" always has a, "U" after it??? Queen, quail, question, quest, quasar, quiet, quite, quickly, quality, quantity, qualify, quote, and so on. In fact....it CAN'T be used unless it is followed by a, "U." That makes a Q without a U, pointless to even have as a letter. Why not just add the U sound to the letter Q so we don't need to add a U every single time? OR BETTER YET, why not just use the C and the U together, as in the word, "cue ball." Just looking at that word raises more questions, like, why not put a "C" and a "W" together instead? Cwestion mark.

A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y.........sometimes? Why is, "Y" sometimes a vowel?? Please explain that load of crap to me! You can't sometimes be a vowel and sometimes not! That's like saying, "5 is sometimes a number." It either is or it isn't. I say give the stupid letter the vowel status or cut it loose completely! By my count that's two more letters that should be vowels.

Don't get me started on the silent letter! Silent letter??? Why the hell would we add a letter to a word but not have the intention of using it??? No where else in life do we add something without any purpose and say it is imaginary and you don't use it, even though it is there. That's like saying, "The number is 350. I really mean 35, but the 0 is a silent number." People will say the silent E makes the vowel say its name, like in the word, "game." Ok, that's nice but guess what, "gaym" There, I fixed the need for the silent E.

At least the silent E has a reason, crappy and easily fixable as that reason may be, it still has a purpose behind it. Unlike the silent letters in knife, lamb, damn, debt, know, honest, right, folk, mnemonic, colonel, pneumonia, gnat, psychology, depot, sign, whistle, and faux. That sure is dumb! I mean....dum.

I feel like the English language was just invented for making teachers feel important and to go on power trips. Think about it, our rules always have exceptions and variations. "I before E, except after C, OR when sounded as, "A" like in neighbor and weigh." WHAT?? Did you get all that kids? Geez, how bout we just scrap all that and do this teachers, "naybor" and "way." Also according to your stupid silent E for vowels rule, how come it isn't, "wae?" Explain that to me. Oh that rule didn't apply for that word hu? So when a child writes that, you get to mark it wrong and shake your head as you roll your eyes.

How can you have 2, "o's" together as in the word, "book" and "look" but then in words such as, "food" and "mood," they don't sound the same? How they can sound completely different?!?! How is a child supposed to know which way to pronounce these double letters?? No silent letter to help them this time. I guess they'll just have to mispronounce it, get corrected, and just somehow figure it out for the next time, right? Well, that's exactly what we've been teaching the kids for years! Also explain this to me, "rude" and "food." Not, "fude" and "rood." Two ways of doing the same thing but only one is correct, part of the time.

More on double letters, a, "W" looks more like a double V to me and yet we don't call it a double v. Did you ever notice the word, "vacuum" has two U's in it? Why would it need those? What other word has a double U in it? Again, not sure why two of the same letters beside each other makes the same exact sound as that letter by itself? So remember kids, two, "O's" together make a different sound than a single, "O" (and there are two different sounds for that) BUT two, "T's" together make the same sound as a single T. This goes for double G's, double B's, double U's, double N's, double F's, double S's, double D's, double M's, double L's, BUT NOT double E's, those make the sound of E because it's a vowel, like in the word, "Feed" not sure why that word isn't spelled, "Fede" according to the silent E rule, but hey, whatever, just do what you feel like doing English and we'll all try to keep up!

Here's another gem for you. (Should be jem btw.) "Ring, rang, rung. Bring, brang, brung." Wait, but why not? We have to come up with different words and new rules. There is no, "brung" it's "brought." There is no, "rought" though. Just sounds like more ways for those poor kids to mess up their homework.

I'm also sick of saying, "I feel well." No, I feel GOOD, and I don't see why that should be wrong. It was perfectly fine for James Brown to make a song up about feeling good. I bet his English teacher was rolling in her grave instead of commending him for writing a hit single.


 Ending a sentence in a preposition is something I want to talk about. Where did they get this rule from? I want to. It seems fine to. You understand what for. We aren't supposed to.

Two, too, to, there, their, they're, your, you're. These words have to be, by far, the most misused of all words. These 8 words must account for 99% of the wrong word written in a sentence when an incorrect word is used. Odd, I said 8 words and yet if you say them out loud, there are only 3...

Well, those are just some of the problems I have with our English language. I'm sure most of you teacher people and English majors out there, will be able to defend your precious verbal garbage, but let me just make one more point! Most of our English comes from Latin, a language that isn't used anymore because it wasn't good enough to survive to the present day. Shouldn't we question that?

(That same last paragraph done entirely in the Andrew English Language)

Wel, thoz r just sum ov thee problems I hav with r Inglish langwej. Im shoor most ov yoo teecher peepool and Inglish majers owt thar, wil bee abool to defend your preshus verbel garbaj, but let mee just mayk wun moor poynt! Most ov r Inglish cums frum latin, a langwej that izn't uzed enee moor beecuz it wuzn't gud enuf to serviv to the prezant day. Shoodn't wee cwestion that?



Monday, April 6, 2015

Even MORE Andrew Thoughts


Here are some more things that I think about throughout the day. 



I think gummy worms promote children to eat real worms. And lemon snow cones promote children to eat yellow snow. These are just some unfortunate observations from my own childhood.

The most frustrating thing for teeth must be chewing gum. They're probably waiting for the swallow but it just doesn't happen. They must be so confused because all they know is, they are doing their job but nobody else in the mouth seems to be paying attention.

If cowboys rode on cows would we call them horseboys?

Why don't we just make one giant brick instead of 100's of little ones? It would save a lot of time to put up a wall, yet it would take the same amount of material to make it.

If I lived in Plymouth settlement, I would have been in the buckle business. Did you ever see how many buckles those pilgrims wore? They are on their hats, their shoes, their belts, and who knows what else. I would have dominated the market by creating a need for buckles and then lie and cause panic with buckle shortage rumors.

Are sesame seeds used for anything other than hamburger buns?

I don't care what art teachers say, I think black and white are colors. I also think they are the most important colors we have because all other colors match with them.

If I ever get the chance to shoot a cow again, I want it to be a bull. I will shoot it right in the eye and when someone says what a terrible shot that was, and I'll just say, "What are you talking about? I hit the bull's-eye."

Apparently I'm not a doctor, but I do know one thing they don't. I grantee if everybody just took the time to roll around on the floor with about 10 puppies on a daily basis, everybody will feel a whole hell of a lot better.

Let me get this straight. A piano has 88 strings but it isn't considered a string instrument??? So you're telling me an instrument that has 84 more strings than a violin, 82 more strings than a guitar, and 42 more than a harp is NOT in the string family? No, I think YOU are the one who is wrong. Don't tell me it is how it is played and that's why it is considered a percussion. You slap the bass strings on a bass guitar and doesn't that striking make the bass guitar a percussion instrument? No, it doesn't and nobody would say a bass guitar ISN'T in the string group. Therefore, the piano IS in fact a string instrument. Check mate maestro.

Do those sacks with dollar signs on them for money actually exist? They seem to be in every cartoon but I never saw one in real life. The only place that would even use something like this would be a bank and I've never seen one there.

It's really embarrassing when somebody waves at you and you wave back but then you realize they were actually waving to someone else behind you. Then you feel stupid and a little bit offended that they didn't want to wave at you. Sometimes they notice this and give you a pity wave that only comes from the fact that they know how stupid you feel. I think the waver should just apologize to you for being reckless with their greeting and putting you in the way of their waving lane.  

Baseball must be the only sport on earth where the team with the ball is on defense and you can't score any points if you have the ball. What a mixed up, backwards, terrible game.

I really wish togas would make a come back. Nothing looks more comfortable than a toga to me. I bet they'd be cooler in the summer time too.

It's a fact that porcupines can't shoot their quills. What a waste. If I was a porcupine, I'd dedicate my life to learning how to shoot my quills. Then I'd teach other porcupines to shoot their quills too and I'd walk around all day trying to find smart know-it-all type people that would say porcupines can't shoot their quills, then I would shoot my quills right at them.

If I was a marshal in the old west, I'd make my hanging rope too long and when I went to hang a bad guy, he'd fall right on his butt and we would all have a big laugh at his expense. My hope would be that he would start to think the whole death penalty thing is just a joke. Then I'd string him up again with the right length of rope and actually hang him right.