Thursday, April 21, 2016

Popular Books Rewritten as Books for Children: Moby Dick

Moby Dick Poster by Jillian Nickell

Once upon a time, there was a douche-bag. You know what a douche-bag is, don't you? Well, you will by the end of this book!

His name was Ahab, and he was the captain of a whaling ship. Ahab named his ship the Pequod. A dumb name for a ship, we can all agree on that but to be fair, Ahab used to have a much better ship that was destroyed by a whale. The whale said it was an accident and he didn't see any damage, but Ahab lost his ship AND his leg. 

You'd think a guy that makes his living on a ship wouldn't really mind having a peg leg, because, hello, you're on a ship idiot! What other profession is it acceptable to have a peg leg?? None, other than sailor right? Well, Ahab didn't see the irony here and vowed revenge on the whale that did this to him. The whale's name was Moby, he was a white sperm whale. Giggle all you want, the sperm whale is actually named after whale sperm....so....joke's on you!

Ahab never told his crew that he caught Moby sleeping with his wife and that was the real reason why he was so angry, but trust me, that's what happened! Ahab offered his crew money if they killed Moby, and they were like, "Hey, do it yourself, we don't care about your revenge! Killing a poor innocent whale out of anger is a horrible reason, we want to kill whales for the good reasons!" 

Ahab was like, "Everybody just calm down, I offered money to make things a bit more interesting. Nobody enjoys killing whales, but hey, if you have to kill a whale, you might as well enjoy it!" 

You wouldn't think you could just find a single specific whale in the pacific ocean, especially when you can't see underwater, but that didn't stop Ahab! He just sails around looking for the mysterious white whale and he refuses to gam with other ships. 

What is a gam you ask? (After you read it several times in the sentence above trying to figure it out) It is when two whaling ships stop to chit-chat about various things, such as, their love of killing peaceful gentle giants to make a slightly more affordable lantern oil. 

Queequeg is Ahab's buddy. He is really good at killing whales. It's like a gift, he was born with this whale killing ability. This guy was so talented in whale killing that Sports Illustrated ranked him in the top ten. When baby whales have nightmares in their sleep, it's Queequag they dream about. He gets sick one day and is like, "I'm probably gonna die, so make me a coffin!" They do but then he's like, "Actually I'm fine, thanks for the coffin, I'll make a boat out of it." Ahab puts his hands on his hips and shakes his head saying, "Oh that Queequeg!"

At this point, the entire crew hates Ahab. They call him Captain Jerk behind his back. They keep telling him to just go home and give up on the crazy idea of deep sea revenge. However, a true douche-bag only listens to himself!

So one day Moby is just swimming around, minding his own whale business when Ahab spots him and is like, "The money is mine, I spotted him. See I told you the money incentive would be fun and interesting!" They lower the boats and go after Moby but he wants none of that! Moby starts smashing the boats and killing people. 

Ahab is like, "YOU NEED A TIME OUT MISTER!" and starts harpooning the crap out of Moby. You might think getting stabbed repeatedly makes whales happy, but no, it makes them angry. Ahab gets tangled in all the ropes and is dragged off to sea while stuck to the side of Moby. 

I don't know the moral of the story. It's like it doesn't even have one. The asshole is a douche-bag throughout the whole book and finally gets what he deserves in the end. OH! There's the moral! The moral of the story is, if you're an asshole, eventually you'll get whats coming to you. 

THE END





Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Popular Books rewritten as Books for Children: TWILIGHT


Once upon a time, there was an ugly homely girl named Bella. It's funny cause "Bella" means beautiful, but she couldn't have been further from that, I guess maybe it was talking about her inner beauty, but she didn't have much of that either, considering she was shallow and rude.

Bella liked a boy in school, his name was Edward. I know he sounds gay already, and nothing else I'm ever going to say is going to make you think differently, but trust me, he wasn't. Edward was the best looking guy in school, so of course he wanted to be with the grotesque Bella. Not in a million years would these two have EVER ended up together in real life, but this is a fantasy!

Edward was a vampire. Not a cool vampire like Dracula or even a stupid vampire like the Count from Sesame Street, no, Edward was an emotional, handsome, young, sensitive, caring, sparkly vampire. Again, I swear he isn't gay.

Shockingly, the second best looking guy in school also wanted the plain boring old Bella girl. Bella wanted nothing to do with Jacob, even though he was better looking, had a better body, AND WAS NOT A MONSTER. Well, it turns out he was a monster too. He was a werewolf, and could transform into a giant wolf when he was pissed off. You'd think he would be the biggest horn-dog in school, but he wasn't...he was also sensitive and caring and loving and he might have been gay.


Edward had a vampire family. Every single one of them was ridiculously hot. That just goes to show Vampires only want good looking people to turn into other Vampires, which again, made no sense why Edward would want Bella, but hey, this is an imaginary world where the loser girl gets the best two guys in school to fight over her. Did I mention Bella's best friend was the Tooth Fairy?? Might as well have been with how this story is going.


Usually getting a man to change for a woman is impossible, even though it's what every girl assumes is going to happen when their man is slightly less than perfect, (for example, being a blood-thirsty killer Vampire). Bella was no different! The only thing she needed to change, was the fact that Edward was a soulless dead inhuman monster. If she pouted enough, surely he would give in and date her.

"They will certainly kill you," is by far the best reason not to date someone. What other reason is better than that? You can't come up with anything worse than getting killed by your boyfriend as a reason to not be with him, but Bella didn't care. She whined and complained and poorly acted (not a typo for acted poorly, I mean her acting in the movie sucked) until she finally got her way and Edward changed his very being just to be with that 999,999 out of a million girl!

The moral of the story is, be shallow and pout until you get your way and you too can get anything you want, no mater how unrealistic it is and no matter how ugly you are on the inside and out.

Here's a shocking twist ending. Edward and Jacob weren't gay, and even in real life they aren't either. The one who turns out to be gay in real life is Bella. Crazy. I guess an alternate moral for the story would be, no matter how feminine, sensitive, emotional, and shiny your man is, they can never take the place of a real woman.

THE END




Wednesday, April 13, 2016

A Day In The Life Of A Stay At Home Dad


As a stay at home dad or "house-husband" I'm just starting to get the hang of this homemaker stuff. Sometimes there is a learning curve. Here is one of my experiences as a stay at home dad.


I decided to do laundry. Since I'm a man and have never seen, let alone ever used a washing machine before in my life, I naturally dumped in the entire bottle of laundry detergent. There were directions, but who needs those? I knew it needed more, so I added some bubble bath, just to make sure my whites are sparkling white! I then went into the kitchen to make breakfast.

 Again, being a father, I never used appliances like toasters before. I put in some bread into the toaster and then attempted to make eggs using the stove. The toaster began smoking and two black pieces of toast popped out. I grabbed them, because I'm so stupid that I didn't know black and smoking usually indicates hot, they burned my hand so I screamed and threw them across the room. 

Just then, a massive wall of bubbles came rolling into the kitchen coming from that washing machine you almost forgot about. Frantically, I searched for the worst possible thing to aid me in this situation...a broom! I began to sweep and attack the wall of bubbles, oddly enough, that didn't do much.

 All of a sudden, the frying pan burst into high flames, I ran over and started to blow on the fire and wave the broom at it, attempting to put it out. The broom caught on fire and so now I had a torch I was waving around trying to put out while still blowing on the fire in the pan. In the middle of this the baby starts crying but the TV was turned up so loud, they both almost drowned out the fire alarm. 

While I was waving my torch broom around, it caught the curtains above the sink on fire. I smacked them down into the sink and turned on the water, I started to beat on them with the broom. 

The phone rang at this point and although I was a little busy with multiple disasters, I still decided to answer it, just to find my wife on the other end asking how things were going. When she heard all the commotion she asked what was going on in our house, I quickly came up with a lame lie to fool her and I said, "Everything is fine, nothing is wrong, I have everything under control, I can handle it." She then asked what that beeping noise was and after stuttering trying to come up with another lie, I told her, "I was just testing the smoke detector and it's working just fine honey, gotta go, bye!" and I slammed down the phone and continued to battle the soap suds and fire at the same time. 

At this point the curtains that were on fire were now out, but they had clogged the sink drain and the water I had turned on was now overflowing and running down to the floor because I never shut off the water. I shut off the water and dipped the still flaming broom into the sink water and turned my attention to the other fire still burning in the frying pan.

I looked for the worst thing that could put out a fire, and grabbed the baby's milk bottle and squirted it on the fire and then I smacked the smoke detector with the broom, knocking it down and then instead of turning it off or taking the batteries out, I jumped on it until it stopped beeping. 

Breathing heavily, I sat down in a heap at the kitchen table and squirted some of the milk into my coffee and took a big swig. That's when I noticed the bottle was labeled as, "Breast Milk." Horrified, I spit the coffee out coughing and making a grossed-out face. The baby laughed at me.


And that was just an average day for a stay at home dad!....................or not. 


Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Totally 80's Child Test 2


 
I made another 80's test for you to see how much about the 80's you know. If you'd like to take my first one, go here  http://andrew-mytwocents.blogspot.com/2013/05/80s-child-test.html  if not, try this one! Keep your score and find out how you stack up...80's style!

1. In Revenge of the Nerds, what did character Frederick W. Palowaski want people to call him?
a. Booger
b. Ogre
c. Ox
d. Tank
e. Oaf
f. Hoss

2. Went into Wrestlemania 3 undefeated to fight in the Championship match...
a. Hulk Hogan
b. The Iron Sheik 
c. Honky Tonk Man
d. Junk Yard Dog
e. Macho Man Randy Savage
f. Andre the Giant

3. In Super Man II, what does General Zod want Super Man to do?
a. Bow before Zod
b. Kneel before Zod
c. Kiss Zod's ass
d. Perish at the hands of Zod
e. leave earth
f. Die before Zod

4. Michael Knight's talking car...
a. General Lee
b. the batmobile
c. KITT
d. KATT
e. KARR
f. KET

5. Rocky Balboa's license plate from Rocky IV...
a. ROCKY
b. FITE R
c. SOTHPAW
d.ITA STAL
e. BALBOA
f. ROC-1

6.Although it isn't in history books and no credit was ever given, we all know Rocky Balboa single handedly ended which war?
a. the Civil War
b. World War II
c. World War III
d. the Cold War
e. the Revolutionary War
f. the war of 1812

7. In the A-Team, Mr.T's character had a well known fear of...
a. snakes
b. spiders
c. bats
d. water
e. crowded places
f. flying

8. "Say your prayers and take your vitamins and you'll never go wrong."
a. Mr. T
b. Mr. Clean
c. Hulk Hogan
d. Mr. Peanut
e. Mr. Rogers
f. Mr. President

9. The war between the United States and the Soviet Union...
a. The Cold War
b. The US-Russia War
c. World War II
d. World War III
e. The Soviet War
f. The Commie War

10. Who did Rocky NOT fight in the 80's?
a. Apollo Creed
b. Mr. T
c. Hulk Hogan
d. Ivan Drago
e. Tommy Gunn
f. Paulie

11. Teddy Ruxpin's also talking less popular friend.
a. Wormy
b. Slimy
c. Friendly
d. Buggy
e. Grubby
f. Sally

12. "When this baby reaches BLANK miles per hour, you're gonna see some serious shit."
a. 99
b. 100
c. 65
d. 88
e. 200
f. 89

13. In Police Academy, what did Mahoney put into the Commandant's speech podium?
a. a stink bomb
b. a snake
c. a camera
d. a hose
e. a radio
f. a hooker

14.  Clear, often glitter infused shoes made out of PVC plastic...
a. Jellies
b. Jammiess
c. Plasties
d. Softies
e. Squishies
f. Jennys

15. Which cartoon show did NOT start out as greeting cards?
a. The Shirt Tails
b. Rainbow Bright
c. The Care Bears
d. Get Along Gang
e. Strawberry Shortcake
f. The Smurfs

16.The "Y" in Yuppie stands for...
a. Youthful 
b. You
c. Young
d. Yes
e. Yorker 
f. Yoga

17. Which did NOT take place in New York City?
a. Crocodile Dundee
b. Ninja Turtles
c. Night Court
d. Cheers
e. Ghostbusters
f. My Two Dads

18. Everyone knows Michael Jackson's Thriller was the best selling album of the 80's, but who had the SECOND best selling album of the 80's?
a. Madonna
b. AC/DC
c. Kenny Loggins
d. Phil Collins
e. Huey Lewis
f. Guns N Roses

19. How many states did Ronald Regan win in his 1984 election?
a. 26
b. 15
c. 38
d. 45
e. 49
f. 50

20.  Gravity defying, wall crawling, sticky octopus plastic toy.
a. Wacky Wally
b. Wacky Crawly
c. Wall Crawly
d. Octo Walker
e. Wall Walker
f. Wacky Walker



Dude....time for the results!

1. B- Ogre was the big, mean jock that made the nerd's lives a living hell.
2. F- Andre the Giant went to Wrestlemania 3 undefeated in the WWF to face Hulk Hogan for the Championship, he would lose the match.
3. B- General Zod demanded that Super Man KNEEL BEFORE ZOD! 
4. C- KITT was Michael Knight's talking car, the acronym for Knight Industries Two Thousand.
5. C- In the montage scene of "No Easy Way Out" Rocky's license plate is seen and clearly reads, SOTHPAW, referring to the nickname for left handed boxers.  
6. D- At the end of Rocky IV, he makes a speech that makes us realize if he can change, and they can change, WE ALL CAN CHANGE! 
7. F- Mr. T's character, B.A. Baracus was terrified of flying and refused to do it. In almost every episode of the A-Team, they had to trick and or drug Mr. T to get him on the plane.
8. C- Hulk Hogan's trademark message to all of his little hulkamaniacs.
9. A- The Cold War never had a single shot fired but for years we were at war with the Soviet Union.
10. E- Rocky V came out in 1990, and although he never had an official fight with Apollo Creed in the 80's, he did fight him as payback in Rocky III, he also fought a drunk Paulie that wasn't much of a fight, in that same movie.
11. E- Grubby was a strange-looking caterpillar thing that you could buy, but not a lot of kids did.
12. D- 88 MPH was the exact speed needed for time travel, according to Doc Brown in Back To The Future.
13. F- Mahoney's prank backfired when he hid a hooker in the podium.
14. A- Jellies, also known as Jelly Shoes, made your feet smell pretty bad, but that didnt stop girls from wearing them in the 80's.
15. F- All of those cartoons first began as greeting cards, but not the Smurfs.
16.C- Yuppie was a term created in the 80's for the "Young Urban Professional" that seemed to be everywhere.
17. D- The Cheers bar was, and is, in Boston, not New York. The rest of the things took place in New York, which was a common setting for TV and movies in the 80's.
18. B- Back in Black was the second best selling album of the 1980's, only behind Thriller.
19. E- Ronald Regan won a mind boggling 49 states for his second term, an impressive feat considering the voting records he set to win his first term.
20. A- The octopus that walked down your walls was Wacky Wally, although very are, you can still find him for sale today.

Scores:
18-20  Totally Awesome! You're a Go-Go 80's Reganaut like myself! 

15-17  Radical! Not the best score, but you're still cool enough to party with Spuds Mckenzie! 

10-14  You're like Robo Cop..........you were in the 80's, but nobody cares. 

5-9  Bogus! You're the Walter Mondale of 80's tests. 

0-4  Dude.........you must be a Millennial, and if you're not, you might as well be.